Klanwatch: U.S. Hate-group membership up 54% in '08

World famous movie star goes blind

February 27, 2009
PEOPLE

Julia Roberts, world famous Oscar winning actress, of such films as Pretty Woman and Erin Brockovich, was declared blind by a crack team of eye specialists who decended on the movie stars home late last night. A statement was given to the media by Dr. Martin Fineman, from Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. "Ms. Roberts was made blind by a large dose of semen, lodged in her octoliar cavity or eye socket to use laymens terms." When asked to follow up on the statement the doctor declined. An upity negro in from the back of the press corner approached, sweating profusely and making random jerking motions. Before he was subdued by police he screamed, "He nutted in her eye!"

Former child star performs seppuku--survives...

February 27, 2009
New York Times

Macaulay Culkin, a former child star known throughout the world for the mega blockbuster movie Home Alone, was found by in a pool of own blood and intestines after performing seppuku. He was rushed to the hospital and is in stable condition. Seppuku the ancient Japanese art considered to be suicide involves a systematic disemboweling followed by a customary beheading by a kaishaku-an individual armed with a sword, who is charged with decapating the suicide victim or seppuku artist. Mr. Culkin's girlfriend and family were obviously distraught. "He should be dead," said his brother Rory. "He did it all wrong. How do you mess up a seppuku? I mean he's lost it. He can't even kill himself right." When asked to clarify as to why he was upset at his brother Not being dead, Rory Culkin sighed. "You just don't understand seppuku."

Richard Hawkins, famed "GILF" hunter dead at 53

February 27, 2009
USA Today

Richard Hawkins loved the ladies, especially the older ones, and claims to have bedded over 500 women over the age of 65. "Mr. Hawkins exclusively dated women who were quite elderly," stated Miami Beach Sheriff, Lyle Hopper. Mr. Hawkins apparantly died of a combination of alcohol and pills. The term GILF or Grandmas I'd Like to F**k was coined by a long time fan and admirer of Mr. Hawkins, Sir Henry Jenkins, founder of the National Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA. "Dick had a tremendous libido," continued Sir Jenkins. "I was quite envious of him. One of the reasons older women found him so attractive is that he was such a ravenous lover especially in the area of oral copulation." Sir Jenkins became tearful as he clutched a photo of his friend sandwiched between two former girlfriends in a nearby hospice. "The streets of Boca are quiet tonight," wept Sir Jenkins. "These women were lonely trapped inside these loveless compounds called nursing homes. He would hunt them down and love them. Who are they going to turn to now?"

President Obama joins President Bill Clinton on Remote Island

February 27, 2009

RealPolitics.com

Relieved at the recent passing of the stimulus bill President Obama took former President Bill up on his offer of a "good old fashioned pussy hunt--down-home-Southern style." President Obama booarded Marine One and was airlifted to an undisclosed air base where he was whisked away on a Lear Jet owned and operated by famed Chinese Crime Lord--Fak-U. He met up with former President Bill Clinton on an island off the Dominican Republic where according to the 42nd President "there so poor they have to f**k in order to survive. President Obama's Secret Service detail was less than pleased by the logical night posed by the sudden random excursion but the 44th President was heard to say "f**k all y'all" as he boarded the Lear Jet where he was greeted by a topless flight attendant.

Dr. Phillip McGraw indicted for rape

February 27, 2009
Associated Press

Dr. Phillip J. McGraw, seen here attending the bar mitzvah for the son of one of his show writers, was greeted outside the temple by Los Angeles County sheriffs, cuffed and taken to prison. Charged with the rape, the man known to millions of viewers as Dr. Phil, pleaded not guilty but sent directly to jail and denied bail by Judge Hanahan, "based on the gruesome nature, context, and overwhelming evidence of the crime."

Wal-Mart worker burns self to death in parking lot

February 27, 2009
Associated Press

"Why daddy why?" These were the cries from Ashley Thrombarton as she cried over the burnt remains of her father. Jerry Thrombarton, a longtime Wal-Mart employee in Huntsville, Alabama, took his own life by burning, using a can of Coleman Kerosen from the sporting goods section, doused it on himself and lit a match. No note was found though several co-workers and friends did approach this reporter stating Mr. Thrombarton had been distraught over the state of his marriage. "She done lied down with a negro," stated one co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous.

Citi Bank: More Madlibs

• Up to US$25 billion [of our money] to convert to common equity
• [Shiti] to find private [Jets] to convert stock
• [Taxpayers] to match private [office renovation] conversions
• [Shiti] board shake-up, but CEO [Bandit] to stay

The government will convert its stake only to the extent that [Lobbyists] can [extort] private investors to do so alongside the [Congress], the people said.

The US government and [Shitigroup] have reached [around] to convert up to US$25 billion (S$38.6 billion) in [tax payer] shares in the bank to [Cocaine], a person familiar with the [Party Planning] committee said early on Friday.

Henrietta James appointed as New Economy Czar

February 26, 2009
Associated Press

Henrietta James, CEO of Filton Industries, has been named Economy Czar by President Obama. "We live in troubling times," he said in a press conference on the White House Lawn this afternoon. "Ms. James has the leadership skills running a multi-billion dollar company that has created thousands of jobs of the past two decades." Ms. James took the podium and thanked the president, her friends, and family, including her son, famed Nascar driver Dale Earnheart Jr. who was front and center in the first row. Ms. James was married for over thirty years to Nascar legend Dale Earnheart who's career was cut short six years ago in a fatal on track accident.

New Jersey Area Man brings Deadly Worm Virus onto US Shores

February 26, 2009
Associated Press

Ronald Harrison, a resident fo New Jersey, had just boarded US Air Flight 243 in Newark when he began to shake and convulse violently. As flight attendants wrestled him to the ground he began vomiting and defecating into the aisle of the very full flight. Unable to exit several other passengers became sick. After evacuating the plane a team from the Center for Disease Control arrived on the scene to check on Mr. Harrison and the other passengers. A large ziplock bag of Mr. Harrison's fecal matter was taken for analysis at The Howard Hughes Medical Center in Washington, D.C.
It turns out Mr. Harrison was a carrier of Kinkaisi Virus or Worm Virus, a condition isolated to the Western Region of Africa, primarily Gabon. After scooping Mr. Harrison's bile and chunks of vomit from the interior of the plane CDC Doctor Harriet Montrose was said have uttered "worms." Mr. Harrison expired and was pronounced dead an hour after being taken from the plane but not before he evacuated his bowels onto the tarmac. In the process of attempting to revive him a local area doctor used too much force and punctured Mr. Harrison's abdomen pulling out cord upon cord of writhing orange worms. He immediately became sick into his mask. In a statement to local authorities and the press Dr. Montrose seemed remorseful. "Clearly Mr. Harrison should not have traveled. While I am sorry he has died he has brought the Kinkaisi onto us all." Several reporters seemed confused by her bluttering out the name of a disease so unfamiliar to most Americans. It was then that she became violently ill sending streams of warm deadly bile into the crowd. She was heard to scream "get it out of me", when she turned with her backside to the audience and lifted her skirt defecated until she was shot and killed by local area police. If you or anyone you know has been exposed to Kinkaisi or Wrom Virus please notify the CDC immediately. 1-800-787-8976.

Sugardaddie.com Madlibs

Sugar Daddy personals and online [molesting] service. We have thousands of successful and [repulsive] members who recognize that [sex] is there to be had [anytime behind false walls in their mansions].

Success, [Cocaine and Rohypnol]...
...can be the foundations of a great [affair]. They offer [clandestine] opportunities for so much more in [sleeping sex] and can eradicate the issues of financial stress that modern [prostitution] can bring.

Leaving A [Bruise]
Online dating is about [hiding] something in your life. You may be looking for something in [Scatology] or you may only be interested in moving in the circles of casual [communicable diseases]. Whichever takes your interest, there is one thing that both have in common and that's finding the [richest] person most [tolerable] of you.

[Lusting after] The Most [Wealthy] Person For Yourself Is Perfectly [Irrational] People want to be with people who are [rich-as-hell], attractive, ambitious, confident and [tight]. People want more from [sex] as modern life offers us [less] from our society. We are more [desperate] and because dating sites, such as Sugardaddie.com deliver a higher grade of [date rape drugs], we can hand select the person that is [least] likely to [sue] us.

Sugardaddie.com is about finding all the [creepy sex] you really can [afford].

Steven of Cyberia: Get Well Soon!

if is the middle word in life...

"Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say do you know that if is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas -- I mean --""Hey, uh, don't go -- don't go without me, OK? I want to get a picture."
PHOTOJOURNALIST: (Dennis Hopper)
Apocalypse Now

Ah, No You Didunt!

February 25, 2009
Associated Press

Although stated in shrill German and with scratchy, poor audio quality the lost comedy routines of the famed Nazi propagandist are finally being made available on Itunes. "Goebbels was hilarious," said Harvard Sociologist Martin Goldberg. "Sure, he was a monster and pure evil but at the same time really quite funny. Professor Goldberg was one of the first serious thinkers in the US to analyze the lost tapes, pointing out that such routines he performed at the Reichstag such as his "No You Didn't" routine also known in German as--"Nein Loch FeidenHozen!" The routine predates such familiar jargon using ebonics and improper English usually involving a distraght Negro woman upset at some sort of undesirable circumstance. "We've seen this time and time again," continued Professor Goldberg. "But now we know it's origin. Goebbels Nein Loch FeidenHozen routine predates Negro comedians by more than a half century!" he exclaimed. "Usually Goebbels would warm up the crowd," continued Professor Goldberg, "by proclaiming how much he hated the jews etc. Then he went for the juggular. They were putty in his hands. The no you didn't material was completely improv before there was such a word. But his material did not invlove the day to day like a boyfriend cheating or a mishandled food order, which is portrayed on Negro situation comedies or sitcoms as particulary irksome. Goebbels No You Didn't bit revolved around states rights and property ownership. I can't do it justice," blushed Professor Goldberg. "Goebbels was a master of timing along the lines of a Bill Cosby or Martin and Lewis." The lost recordings with accompanying photos and histories are currently on display at the Holocost Museum in Washington D.C. Also of note: some Goebbels material has recently been remastered and is available on compact disc as well as on Itunes as a download --"Berlin or Bust: The Comic Stylings of Joseph Goebbels. Rhino Records is also planning a Christmas release of a box set---"Hey Joe" The complete collected speeches and comic masterworks of Joseph Goebbels.

Local Area Man Engages Police

Associated Press

February 25, 2009

Walt Mitchell, Vice President of the Billings Savings and Loan stopped police to ask for directions to a church. "I'm late for the service!" expressed Mr. Mitchell clearly agitated that his GPS broke down. Sgt. Haggitary, the lead officer on the scene sought to calm Mr. Mitchell down before proceeding to examine his map. Jerry Higgins pictured exiting a beige Chevy Tahoe (see photo) stopped and also tried to help. "I'm going to the same service follow me," bellowed Higgins much to the relief of Mr. Mitchell and the police officers, who minutes later received another urgent call.

Übermensch

I teach you the overman. Man is something that shall be overcome. What have you done to overcome him? [...] All beings so far have created something beyond themselves; and do you want to be the ebb of this great flood, and even go back to the beasts rather than overcome man? What is ape to man? A laughing stock or painful embarrassment. And man shall be that to overman: a laughingstock or painful embarrassment. You have made your way from worm to man, and much in you is still worm. Once you were apes, and even now, too, man is more ape than any ape...The overman is the meaning of the earth. Let your will say: the overman shall be the meaning of the earth...Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman--a rope over an abyss...what is great in man is that he is a bridge and not an end..."

Friedrich Nietzsche

Define: The VagAnus Monologues

The VagAnus Monologues All the News that Fist to Print: Bleached and Overbalanced.

What doesn't kill you makes you really higher!

Celebrating Our 100th Post

Go Fuck Yourselves!

No one really loves you but your dog...

Adopt a pet, support your local Humane Societies and Rescues. Link

Twistys.com has the hottest chicks in web Porn?

http://www.twistys.com

Shout Out: Pimps & Hoes Society

Anyone can dress up as a Pimp, but do you really have what it takes to be a REAL Pimp?!

In Pimpology School, we'll give you the training you need to make sure you are a master Pimp by the time you arrive at the party!! With only days to go, you better get learning, cause being a Pimp is a competitive business, and you don't want to lose all your hoes to the master pimps out there! It's only bad for business!!

There Are Five Main Principals Of Pimp-ology:

* Pimp-in Yo Clothes.
* Pimp-in Yo Ride.
* Pimp Game.
* Pimp-in Ho's.
* Pimp-in Ain't Easy.

So come on homie... Step inside and let us begin our lesson.

Pimp-in Yo Clothes:

* Step #1: If you gonna work the art... You gotta look the part! Drape up from the floor up and kill those tired-ass old kicks. Sport some gators for the true capers. As for your bottoms: Room is the key, cuz real pimps let it hang free. Make sure your shirts are pressed up and keep poppin those collars. Oh yeah... capes are the shit but don’t get it twisted... furs are the way to keep those Ho’s interested.

* Step #2: Hook up’s are the shit. Like your pimp stick... It’s a crucial hook up cuz chin checking and knuckling back are tools of the trade. So tilt your brim when you dealin in skin, cuz dome pieces let 'em know you paid. Then bling-bling-a-bling-a- bling cause no Ho can resist a platinum and diamond beveled ring.

* Step #3: Peep game: Don't forget to take a shower! Cuz smelling so fresh and so clean ain't just a song homie... It's knowledge! Crack open a bottle of Jean Paul Gaultier or some other fine pimp fragrance.

http://www.pimpsandhoessociety.org.uk/

Gacy Honored Posthumously During Address to Nation

From the desk of the New York Stock Exchange....
In one of the highlights of last nights speech to the nation--President Obama singled out a spry sharply dressed woman in the guest gallery. Dressed in a lovely purple chiffon dress Judith Gacy, 93, lept to her feet and waved to the cheering crowd of clapping men and women from both houses of Congress. It was during the president's urging at individual service--"How we all can do out part"...that the 47 year newly elected commander in chief chose to point out the beaming woman sitting directly behind the first lady. The President continued...."Judith, you must be proud. Your son John Wayne gave so much and he did what he did best, entertaining children. Whether it be at hospices or at random parks he found children and made them laugh." It was during this momentous singling out that a smattering of tears and sniffles could be heard and seen through the chamber. "And though your son could not be with us today we know he will be proud knowing you were here to accept our thanks to all of the good deeds he's done throughout his life." It was then that a large photo (see above) was beamed behind the president and at a repectable level the popular ballad "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles could be heard throughout the galley. Joyous clapping and backslapping ensued. Later it was rumored the President and First Lady invited Ms. Judth Gacy back to the White House for a light supper and cocktails. The Wizard reporting. More at 11.

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Sumadartson: The Interview

Sumadartson: The VagAnus Monolugue’s Interview

Say hello to the The VagAnus Monolugue’s Afrological editor Sumadartson, “The Magnificent”.


What does your morning reading list include?
All the gossip columns and blogs, horoscopes, some porn, Drudge, and Fox News.

What single person has played the biggest role or has had the biggest influence on your career? Rick James and Mary Poppins has taught me more about journalism and fortune telling than I could ever berate.

How many suits do you own? About 8 and 1/2

What is the name of your cell phone ring?
My iPhone plays, Gin and Juice when I get a call

How many emails do you receive a day? How many do you answer?
5,000 or so, all of them…

What's your favorite or alcoholic drink?
Joose, baby (Grape Flave,PREMIUM MALT BEVERAGE)

Who is your favorite active journalist?
That's tough. I liked Robin Leach of the Life Style’s of the Rich & Famous, but since that is off the air. Off the top of my head, I like Mariana Brachioproctico a lot. She's tenacious, prolific and has a great eye for color.

What kind of dog should the Obamas get and what should they name their new pet?
A white poodle, whitey

Playboy, Hustler or Fisting?
Neither, My profession requires me to have celibacy...

Taking a cue from Chris Matthews here, tell us something we don't know...
I masturbate a lot and I like to smell other people's farts

Sumadartson "The Magnificent" Predicts

Have You Seen This Shoe

Hi,
It's The Wizard. Sorry to break away but on a personal note I lost my left shoe and was wondering if you've seen it?
Love,
The Wizard
PS Crystal Beth, why aren't you returning my calls?

Michael Jackson's Neverland Auction Items

McBoycot McFecal's

Eyebrows are raised as high as golden arches at the colossal cold-heartedness that McDonald's has shown in regards to the treatment of its employee, Nigel Haskett.

Last summer Haskett was working at a McDonald's in Little Rock, Arkansas when he jumped from his post to take down a man who was abusing a woman in the fast-food joint. As the two men tussled, Haskett was shot multiple times. His recovery has required several operations amounting to $300,000 in medical bills. A hero? Not according to Mickey D's. Link

True be Stranger to Fact, Yo

Fox News Producer Busted for Child Porn

Fox News Producer Busted for Child Porn Starred in Soft-core Himself also. NYMag.com

Oh, VagAnus

The Money We Could Have Saved with Gore

The Gross National Debt of the United States:

iBanker: Speculate Different

Search Engine Fraternization (SEF) Interlude

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

NYSE S.O.S. · · · — — — · · ·

Introduction to Economy 3.0

Remember back in school when kids would swap juice boxes for chips, or cookies for Twinkies? Even investors have an innate sense that the comparable value of cookies to Twinkies is in the eye of the beholder. To the broker who gets cookies every day, the elusive cream-filled cake treat is worth more than a few, and he realizes his friend might feel differently.

Trading goods and services without the use of money is called Economy 3.0. Early civilizations relied on this kind of exchange. More and more cultures in modern society rely on it. Think of people in prison who commonly trade cigarettes and blow jobs for tossing salad with extra jelly. For the most part, they don't have cash. So, like people in pre-currency economies, they work with what they have. Ladies and Gents, this is the Economy 3.0!

Good Times Links:

DataLossDB is a research project aimed at documenting known and reported data loss incidents world-wide. The effort is now a community one, and with the move to Open Security Foundation's DataLossDB.org, asks for contributions of new incidents and new data for existing incidents. http://datalossdb.org/
http://blog.wired.com

Cum on the Blue Dress for Prostate Health

Comet Ulend Comes Tonight

Comet Ulend will make its closest approach to Earth on Monday night. The circled X shows the comet's position at seen from Boston at 10 p.m. local time. It appears in the southeastern sky near Saturn, at the tip of Leo the Lion's hind leg. More...

The People's Bank of America

Breaking: Gary Condit's New Book

How to Roofy Interns and Hide the Bodies
DO NOT buy his f*&!ing book when it comes out!

Fatcat Billionaire Dominates Fisties!

Let's Rove Tonite:

The Greedy Ones: The VagAnus Monologues

Here’s to the greedy ones, the lawyers, the lobbyists, the Politicians, brokers, the deal fixers, the round pegs in the square holes

They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things.

They push the human race backward. And while some may see them as greedy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are greedy enough to think they can dupe the world are the ones who do.

The VagAnus Monologues

The Sludge Report

Swiss banking giant UBS drops dime...

As part of a recent $780 Billion settlement with the American IRS, The Swiss Mega-bank UBS has agreed to release a list of the names of more than two-hundred of its wealthiest account holders, clients whom they and the IRS suspect of using the bank to commit tax fraud:

facebook: Your Data is Safe with Us...

Startling statistics, disturbing new trend . . .

In 2008, Jews were more than twice as likely as Christians or Muslims to fall victim to white-collar crime, most often at the hands of other Jews.

• Jewish men are six times more likely than either Muslim or Christian men to be jailed for financial crimes during their lifetime.

• Among women, 3.6% of Jews will go to jail for fraud and larceny, compared to 0.5% of Christians and 0.09% of Muslims.

• A Jew-on-Jew crime is committed, on average, every ten seconds in this country. The numbers are staggering, and we can no longer look away.

Jew-on-Jew crime, End the Meshugass…

iBroker: Invest Different

This Is Not America

(Sung to the tune of This is Not America)

A little piece of you
The little peace in me
Will die
For this is not america

Blossom falls to bloom
This season
Promise not to stare
Too long
For this is not a miracle

There was a time
A storm that blew so pure
For this could be the biggest sky
And I could have
The faintest idea

Snowman melting
From the inside
Falcon spirals
To the ground
So bloody red
Tomorrows clouds

A little piece of you
The little piece in me
Will die
For this is not america

There was a time
A wind that blew so young
For this could be the biggest sky
And I could have the faintest idea

This could be the biggest sky
This could be a miracle
This could be etc

iLawyer: Counsel Different

iLobby: Govern Different

Earthquake(s) Hit New Jersey: What Exit!?!

Link

Daddy's Little Calendar

Daddy's Little Calendar:
Follow your little girls 1st year at College through all the Months...

Breaking: New Marijuana Strain Discovered

New Marijuana Strain Discovered:
Michael Phelps
¼ White Widow +
¼ Kush +
¼ Stephen Hawking +
¼ Joaquin Phoenix =
Michael Phelps

Comcast Fistings Fall by 32%

Hedonist Street

(Sung to the tune of Sesame Street)

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the Feds away
On my way to where the coke is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Hedonist Street

Come and play
We’ll cook the books today,
Friendly brokers there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Hedonist Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every whore will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the Feds away
On my way to where the Coke is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Hedonist street...
How to get to Hedonist Street
How to get to...