Henrietta James appointed as New Economy Czar

February 26, 2009
Associated Press

Henrietta James, CEO of Filton Industries, has been named Economy Czar by President Obama. "We live in troubling times," he said in a press conference on the White House Lawn this afternoon. "Ms. James has the leadership skills running a multi-billion dollar company that has created thousands of jobs of the past two decades." Ms. James took the podium and thanked the president, her friends, and family, including her son, famed Nascar driver Dale Earnheart Jr. who was front and center in the first row. Ms. James was married for over thirty years to Nascar legend Dale Earnheart who's career was cut short six years ago in a fatal on track accident.

New Jersey Area Man brings Deadly Worm Virus onto US Shores

February 26, 2009
Associated Press

Ronald Harrison, a resident fo New Jersey, had just boarded US Air Flight 243 in Newark when he began to shake and convulse violently. As flight attendants wrestled him to the ground he began vomiting and defecating into the aisle of the very full flight. Unable to exit several other passengers became sick. After evacuating the plane a team from the Center for Disease Control arrived on the scene to check on Mr. Harrison and the other passengers. A large ziplock bag of Mr. Harrison's fecal matter was taken for analysis at The Howard Hughes Medical Center in Washington, D.C.
It turns out Mr. Harrison was a carrier of Kinkaisi Virus or Worm Virus, a condition isolated to the Western Region of Africa, primarily Gabon. After scooping Mr. Harrison's bile and chunks of vomit from the interior of the plane CDC Doctor Harriet Montrose was said have uttered "worms." Mr. Harrison expired and was pronounced dead an hour after being taken from the plane but not before he evacuated his bowels onto the tarmac. In the process of attempting to revive him a local area doctor used too much force and punctured Mr. Harrison's abdomen pulling out cord upon cord of writhing orange worms. He immediately became sick into his mask. In a statement to local authorities and the press Dr. Montrose seemed remorseful. "Clearly Mr. Harrison should not have traveled. While I am sorry he has died he has brought the Kinkaisi onto us all." Several reporters seemed confused by her bluttering out the name of a disease so unfamiliar to most Americans. It was then that she became violently ill sending streams of warm deadly bile into the crowd. She was heard to scream "get it out of me", when she turned with her backside to the audience and lifted her skirt defecated until she was shot and killed by local area police. If you or anyone you know has been exposed to Kinkaisi or Wrom Virus please notify the CDC immediately. 1-800-787-8976.

Local Area Man Engages Police

Associated Press

February 25, 2009

Walt Mitchell, Vice President of the Billings Savings and Loan stopped police to ask for directions to a church. "I'm late for the service!" expressed Mr. Mitchell clearly agitated that his GPS broke down. Sgt. Haggitary, the lead officer on the scene sought to calm Mr. Mitchell down before proceeding to examine his map. Jerry Higgins pictured exiting a beige Chevy Tahoe (see photo) stopped and also tried to help. "I'm going to the same service follow me," bellowed Higgins much to the relief of Mr. Mitchell and the police officers, who minutes later received another urgent call.

Gacy Honored Posthumously During Address to Nation

From the desk of the New York Stock Exchange....
In one of the highlights of last nights speech to the nation--President Obama singled out a spry sharply dressed woman in the guest gallery. Dressed in a lovely purple chiffon dress Judith Gacy, 93, lept to her feet and waved to the cheering crowd of clapping men and women from both houses of Congress. It was during the president's urging at individual service--"How we all can do out part"...that the 47 year newly elected commander in chief chose to point out the beaming woman sitting directly behind the first lady. The President continued...."Judith, you must be proud. Your son John Wayne gave so much and he did what he did best, entertaining children. Whether it be at hospices or at random parks he found children and made them laugh." It was during this momentous singling out that a smattering of tears and sniffles could be heard and seen through the chamber. "And though your son could not be with us today we know he will be proud knowing you were here to accept our thanks to all of the good deeds he's done throughout his life." It was then that a large photo (see above) was beamed behind the president and at a repectable level the popular ballad "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles could be heard throughout the galley. Joyous clapping and backslapping ensued. Later it was rumored the President and First Lady invited Ms. Judth Gacy back to the White House for a light supper and cocktails. The Wizard reporting. More at 11.

Have You Seen This Shoe

Hi,
It's The Wizard. Sorry to break away but on a personal note I lost my left shoe and was wondering if you've seen it?
Love,
The Wizard
PS Crystal Beth, why aren't you returning my calls?