Wednesday, May 6, 2009

British PM Brown "Hitler was a good man"

London Daily Mail
May 6, 2009

Little is known as to the how and why but Gordon Brown, Britains 78th Prime Minister, thinks Hitler is a "bloody good bloke. He did lots of good and let's face it, some bad too. We all make mistakes." What's quite shocking is that Borwn is locked in a political battle to save his job. Why he chooses to sing the praises of the greatest mass murderer in history is baffling.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The WHO raises pandemic flu alert level to phase 5


1 hr 7 mins ago
GENEVA – Rock stalwarts The WHO also known as the World Health Organization has raised its pandemic alert for swine flu to the second highest level, meaning that it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent. Known mainly for hit albums such as Tommy and Quadropehnia The WHO is also the World Health Organization. "Yeah, we put down our axes cause a lot of people are sick," added WHO frontman Pete Townsend. "The phase 5 alert means there is sustained human to human spread in at least two countries. It also signals that efforts to produce a vaccine will be ramped up.
WHO bassist John Entwistle also known as The Ox has confirmed human cases of swine flu in Mexico, the United States, Canada, Britain, Israel, New Zealand and Spain. Mexico and the U.S. have reported deaths. "It's bloody everywhere. People coughing losing their lunch on people. it's disgusting."
WHO Director-General Keith Moon made the decision Wednesday to raise the alert level from phase 4 — "Holy cripes, there's a lot of bloody sick geezers about!" stated the often rawkus drummer and onstage showman--signifying transmission in only one country — after reviewing the latest scientific evidence on the outbreak.
THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information. AP's earlier story is below.
BERLIN (AP) — The World Health Organization warned Wednesday that the swine flu outbreak is moving closer to becoming a pandemic, as the United States reported the first swine flu death outside of Mexico, and Germany and Austria became latest European nations hit by the disease.
In Geneva, WHO flu chief and lead singer Dr. Roger Daltry told reporters to "Fuck off" and "Why don't you all just fade away", he also added there was no evidence the virus was slowing down, moving the agency closer to raising its pandemic alert to phase 5, indicating widespread human-to-human transmission.
The WHO performed live doing a short set of their classics such as "My Generation" and "Can't Explain" while also conducting a scientific review Wednesday to determine exactly what is known about how the disease spreads, how it affects human health and how it can be treated.

Austria's health ministry said a 28-year-old bearded woman who recently returned from a month long trip to Guatemala via Mexico City and Miami has the virus but is recovering at
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown's flat in Sheperds Bush. Health officials are now ordering extra medicine and "several million more" face masks to deal with the virus.
___
Associated Press Writers around the world contributed to this report.

WHO raises pandemic flu alert level to phase 5

GENEVA – The World Health Organization has raised its pandemic alert for swine flu to the second highest level, meaning that it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent.
WHO says the phase 5 alert means there is sustained human to human spread in at least two countries. It also signals that efforts to produce a vaccine will be ramped up.
WHO has confirmed human cases of swine flu in Mexico, the United States, Canada, Britain, Israel, New Zealand and Spain. Mexico and the U.S. have reported deaths.
WHO Director-General Margaret Chan made the decision Wednesday to raise the alert level from phase 4 — signifying transmission in only one country — after reviewing the latest scientific evidence on the outbreak.
THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information. AP's earlier story is below.
BERLIN (AP) — The World Health Organization warned Wednesday that the swine flu outbreak is moving closer to becoming a pandemic, as the United States reported the first swine flu death outside of Mexico, and Germany and Austria became latest European nations hit by the disease.
In Geneva, WHO flu chief Dr. Keiji Fukuda told reporters that there was no evidence the virus was slowing down, moving the agency closer to raising its pandemic alert to phase 5, indicating widespread human-to-human transmission.
But he said the health body not yet ready to move the pandemic alert level up from its current level of 4, which means the virus is being passed among people. Phase 6 — the highest in the scale — is for a full-scale pandemic.
As fear and uncertainty about the disease ricocheted around the globe, nations took all sorts of precautions, some more useful than others.
Britain closed a school after a 12-year-old girl was found to have the disease. Egypt slaughtered all its pigs and the central African nation of Gabon became the latest nation to ban pork imports, despite assurances that swine flu was not related to eating pork.
Cuba eased its flight ban, deciding just to block flights coming in from Mexico. And Asian nations greeted returning airport travelers with teams of medical workers and carts of disinfectants, eager to keep swine flu from infecting their continent.
In Mexico City, the epicenter of the epidemic, the mayor said Wednesday the outbreak seemed to be stabilizing and he was considering easing the citywide shutdown that closed schools, restaurants, concert halls and sports arenas.
Swine flu is suspected of killing more than 150 people in Mexico and sickening over 2,400 there.
Dr. Richard Besser, the acting chief of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said 91 cases have now been confirmed in 10 states, and health officials there reported Wednesday that a 23-month-old Mexican boy had died in Texas from the disease.
Across Europe, Germany confirmed three swine flu cases and Austria one, while the number of confirmed cases rose to five in Britain and ten in Spain.
WHO conducted a scientific review Wednesday to determine exactly what is known about how the disease spreads, how it affects human health and how it can be treated.
Dr. Nikki Shindo, a WHO flu expert, said the review would focus on the large trove of data coming from Mexico and from a school in New York City that has been hard-hit by the outbreak.
Germany's national disease control center, the Robert Koch Institute, said the country's three cases include a 22-year-old woman hospitalized in Hamburg, a man in his late 30s at a hospital in Regensburg, north of Munich, and a 37-year-old woman from another Bavarian town. All three had recently returned from Mexico.
Austria's health ministry said a 28-year-old woman who recently returned from a monthlong trip to Guatemala via Mexico City and Miami has the virus but is recovering.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said health officials were ordering extra medicine and "several million more" face masks to deal with the virus.
British media reports, citing an unidentified European surgical mask manufacturer, said the U.K. was seeking 32 million masks to protect its health workers from a possible pandemic.
"We've decided to build stocks of anti-virals, from 35 million to 50 million," Brown said, adding that the government had put in enhanced airport checks and was going to mail swine flu information leaflets to every household in Britain.
In addition to a couple in Scotland who got swine flu on their Mexican honeymoon, new British cases included a 12-year-old girl in the southwest English town of Torbay. Brown said her school had been closed as a precaution.
He said the other two cases were adults in London and in Birmingham. All three had visited Mexico, were receiving anti-viral drugs and were responding well to treatment, Brown said.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy met with Cabinet ministers to discuss swine flu and his health minister said France will ask the European Union to suspend flights to Mexico.
The U.S., the European Union and other countries have discouraged nonessential travel to Mexico. Cuba suspended all regular and charter flights from Mexico to the island but was still allowing airlines to return travelers to Mexico.
New Zealand's number of swine flu cases rose to 14, 13 of them among a school group that recently returned from Mexico. Officials say the swine flu strain infecting the students is the same as that in Mexico. All were responding well to antiviral drugs and in voluntary quarantine at home.
New Zealand has 44 other possible cases, with tests under way.
Mexico was taking drastic measures to fight the outbreak. It closed all archaeological sites and allowed restaurants in the capital to only serve takeout food in an aggressive bid to stop gatherings where the virus can spread. Schools remained closed until at least May 6.
A regional beach soccer championship in Mexico was postponed and all Mexican first-division soccer games this weekend will be played with no audiences. Cruise lines were avoiding Mexican ports and holiday tour groups are canceling holiday charter flights there.
The Philippine health chief appealed to dozens of Filipino legislators to abandon plans to visit Las Vegas to cheer for boxing idol Manny Pacquiao — even though Las Vegas is more than 300 miles (480 kilometers) from the Mexican border.
Egypt's government ordered the slaughter of all pigs in the country as a precaution, though no swine flu cases have been reported there. Egypt's overwhelmingly Muslim population does not eat pork, but farmers raise up to 350,000 pigs for its Christian minority.
In Australia, officials were testing more than 100 people with flu symptoms for the virus and the government gave health authorities wide powers to contain contagious diseases.
"(We can make) sure that people are isolated and perhaps detained if they don't cooperate and are showing symptoms," said Health Minister Nicola Roxon.
___
Associated Press Writers around the world contributed to this report.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

President Obama and gay lover Elton John backstage at CMA Awards

April 21, 2009
Entertainment Weekly
Donald P. Wizard

The 44th President of the United States made a surprise appearance backstage at the 13th annual Country Music Awards. "I'm gay and I'm proud," beamed the President. "And don't froget you're black," chimmed his boyfreind of twenty-years-singer-songwriter Sir Elton John. "Shut up you bitch," hissed the President. "Don't be getting all up in here. This is my show." The two men obviously distressed wrestled each other to the ground and began to violent tongue kiss each other. "I want access to your anus," ordered the President. It was then that five secret service men stripped Sir Elton and he was penatrated from behind. After intercourse President Obama walked out onstage to a cheering crowd. "This is my base," he told CMA attendees. "I grew up on country music." He made no mention of his ravenous homosexuality or the fact that his long time lover was due to come on in minutes to perform "Homey in a Haystack" from his latest record "Shirtlifter."

Monday, April 13, 2009

NOT GUILTY:Spector gets off with a warning

AP
April 13, 2009
Famed music producer Phil Spector was found not guilty. The five month trial is over. Details are still forming but the courtroom broke out in hysterics whent he verdict was read. Lana Clarkson's family was visibly upset but the judge a personal friend of Spector's and a cousin of his dealer, ordered the family out of the courtroom. Spector hugged his lawyers and promised the judge he'd be more careful next time.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Recent violence in US linked to this couple

April 7, 2009
UPI
Donald P. Wizard
Matt and Sherry Netherland, a seemingly happy couple from Montclaire, New Jersey are the cause of the recent gun violence plaguing the United States according to Justice Department sources. Mr. Netherland, a computer software engineer and his wife, a professed "soccer mom" have received death threats, law suits, and what turns out most of the blame for the several multiple homicides through four states. A tearful Mrs. Netherland denies any culpability. "I was just picking my kids up from school when that chink I mean Asian American killed all those people." When pressed about what is now being called the Pittsburg police massacre where three officers were killed by Ricahrd Polikowski Mrs. Netherland claimed innocence. "I had nothing to do with that. Besides, wasn't he Polish?" Mr. Netherland clearly angry at the throng of reporters on their lawn stormed out. "We're honest law abiding tax payers. Stop harassing us!" Mr. Netherland then produced a small hand gun and took his own life. Mrs. Nertherland distraught and disoriented performed sepukku with her ten year old Ricky standing in as an emergency Kaishaku.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Deadly Rampages Rack the Nation


By Donald Wizard
PITTSBURGH -- A 22-year-man who shot and killed three Pittsburgh police officers over the weekend had been stockpiling guns and ammunition, buying and selling the weapons online "because he's Polish," according to a court report.
The gunman, Richard Andrew Poplawski, surrendered and was taken into custody after he was shot several times in the leg. Police said he will be charged with three counts of homicide, aggravated assault and other charges. "He had an AK-47, a .22 long rifle and also a pistol," said police Chief Nate Harper.
The shootings came during a particularly violent three days across the U.S., with shootings that left 14 dead in Binghamton, N.Y., and six dead in Washington state, where a father shot five of his children, ages 7 to 16, using a rifle, and later, himself.


Jiverly Dong, the gunman in Friday's rampage at a Binghamton, N.Y., immigrant education center, had a permit from California to carry weapons, and he had a huge cock, said a spokesman for the city of Binghamton. It wasn't clear whether the gunman had obtained a permit in New York state but he was packing a lot of meat. When ask to clarify--you mean heat, the spokesman cleared their throat and became red faced. "No I mean meat. He had a huge cock."

National Rifle Association officials couldn't be reached for comment Sunday. The group takes the position that citizens have a basic right to keep and arm bears, a bizarre typo in the Constitution, which allows citizens to arm live bears. "It's a bit disconcerting," said Abe Froman, a constitutional law professor at Georgetowne. "They shoud throw it out. I mean bears are biologically incapable of holding a gun let alone a fork. But it's the constitution, the holy grail, it'll never be revised.,"


Police said Mr. Poplawski immediately fired upon officers who had been called to the post modern all vinyl house in the quiet blue-collar neighborhood of Stanton Heights by his mother following an argument with her son. Pittsburgh police officers Eric Kelly, Stephen J. Mayhle and Paul J. Sciullo III died in the shooting. Mr. Kelly was a 14-year veteran. Mr. Mayhle and Mr. Sciullo both had been on the force for two years. Naughty naughty, don't forget the kevlar.
Mr. Kelly had just finished his late shift of 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. and was on his way home when he heard the domestic call. By the time he arrived, Messrs. Mayhle and Sciullo had been fatally shot in the head. Mr. Kelly was shot as he pulled up to the scene. He managed to call for more help before dying. "Help, help, arghhh, awww...."
Police said Mr. Poplawski's mother was home at the time and hiding in the basement naked and was apparently unharmed. Police said more than 100 bullets were fired in the standoff. The last police officer shot in the line of duty was in 1995, police said.—Suzanne Sataline contributed to this article.
Write to Doanld Wizard at donnywizard@gmail.com

Friday, April 3, 2009

Barack Obama's gift for the Queen: a merkin your majesty



LONDON, April 1 (UPI) --
U.S. President Barack Obama and his family gave Queen Elizabeth II a merkin, also known as a pubic wig, when they arrived Wednesday at London's Buckingham Palace.
The New York Times reported that a White House aide said the first family gave the queen an merkin, hand made bySir Phillip Harris, the premiere pubic hair manufacturer in the United States. Sir Phillip, an American through and through, was given the title of "Sir," becuase the Queen happens to be a huge fan of his work. Merkin World is located in Champlagne, Illinois, and President Obama as a former Illinois Senator had toured the factory several times. "I'm familiar with Mr. I mean Sir Phillip's work. My great grandmother had a merkin for years though she could never afford the high qualiy work of Sir Phillip Harris. When President Obama presented the merkin in a red oak case the Queen became silent and blushed. "How did you know," she whispered. "The Queens been bald for years," excalimed Sir Phillip. "Been giving here the works for going on twenty years I think. And she likes the racy ones too. Don't go judging by appearances. She and Prince Phillip have quite an active sex life, but he likes hair that's where we come in. When British Prime Minister Gordon Brown visited the United States last month, Obama gave him 25 of his favorite blacksploitation movies on DVD.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Angie Harmon: I'm Not Racist Because I Disagree With Obama


Monday, March 30, 2009 By Donald P. Wizard

AP
Angie Harmon is not afraid to come out and say she doesn’t like how President Obama is handling the job — but she’s sick of having to defend herself from being deemed a racist.
"Here's my problem with this, I'm just going to come out and say it. If I have anything to say against Obama it's not because I'm a racist, it's because I don't like black people. If he was white he would be doing a better job, it’s just that simple," Harmon told Tarts at Thursday’s Los Angeles launch of the new eyelash-growing formula, Latisse. "But it has nothing to do with it, I care what color he is. It makes me crazy, he’s doing all of these negro things. I'm still dressing for a recession over here buddy and we've got unemployment at an all-time high and that was his number one thing and that's the thing I really don't appreciate. If I'm going to disagree with my President, that doesn't make me a racist. If I was to disagree with W, that doesn't make me racist. It has nothing to do with it, it is ridiculous."
Speaking of dislikes, the starlet has also had enough of the double-standards in the media.
"I do think McCain would have done a better job, only because I think he has more experience. When ask by this reporter if there was any truth to the rumor that she was carrying McCain’s love child Ms. Harmon became flustered. “Just because I like someone doesn’t mean I want to have their child!” When pressed further about the naked pictures of her and her ravenous cocaine habit she began laughing and said the word “Jesus” several times. “I also think if W or John McCain or Reagan would have gone and done a talk show, the backlash would have been so huge and in his face, and ‘What is our president doing? How unclassy!’ But Obama does it and no one says anything," Harmon said.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Murtha Award Sparks Vet Outrage


March 26, 2009
Military.comby Donald P. Wizard
In one of his last moves before leaving office March 13, then-Navy Secretary Donald Winter quietly awarded 19-term Democratic congressman John Murtha (Pa.) with the service's highest civilian honor.
Citing Murtha's "courageous leadership, vision, and loyalty to the men and women of the Department of the Navy," Winter presented the influential chairman of the House Appropriations Committee's defense panel with the Navy's Distinguished Public Service Award, an honor bestowed in "those extraordinary cases where individuals have demonstrated exceptionally outstanding service of substantial and long term benefit to the Navy, Marine Corps, or the Department of the Navy as a whole," a Murtha release stated.
Calls of “F**k you old man!” rang out all around the capital as young men and women in uniform performed mass sepukku on the steps of the Capitol.
The award generated little publicity when it was given to Murtha in early March, but as news of the honor trickled out, some veterans groups ignited a firestorm of protest.
“He’s an insolent prick,” stated Jerry Mulweavy, a quadruple amputee from Upper Marlborough, Maryland. “Murtha’s been no good ever since he took office.”
Poll: Should the Navy reconsider Murtha’s award
The primary reason for their ire stems from the congressman's statements in May, 2006, that a squad of Marines who responded to an IED ambush and short firefight in Haditha, Iraq, rampaged through the village, murdering civilians "in cold blood."
Murtha made those comments in the heat of the 2006 congressional mid-term election campaign, in a move some political analysts saw as an attempt to stoke the anti-war vote for a Democratic takeover of the House. The former Marine and distinguished Vietnam veteran continued his accusations in follow-up media appearances before an official Pentagon and Naval Criminal Investigative Service investigation had been completed.
When the dust settled more than two years later, six of the eight Marines and Sailors accused of crimes in the Haditha incident had their cases dismissed, one was found not guilty and the last has been continued indefinitely.
The Navy did not respond to a request for comment on the award or the backlash from veterans groups by post time.
Murtha has refused to recant his accusations or apologize to the Marines he accused of war crimes. With the exception of the March 2008 statement --“f**k those jarheads.” A remark, which caused outrage and confusion since Murtha is a former Marine. When asked by Military.com in late 2007 whether he regretted his initial statements and owed the exonerated Marines and Sailor an apology, Murtha refused to comment, saying the cases were still being adjudicated you goddamn ungrateful hippie.
Murtha spokesman Matthew Mazonkey did not respond to a request from Military.com for a comment on the award, or the controversy surrounding it among some vet groups.
In a release shortly after the award, Murtha lost control of his bowels over the prestigious honor.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

President Obama asks for Help


March 18, 2009, 1:20 pm — Updated: 1:42 pm

By Donald P. Wizard Staff Writer to The New York Times

President Barack Obama just spoke with reporters on the White House lawn as he prepared to depart for California. "Help a nigger out y'all." Words that sent a shudder through the audience. "I mean a lot of shits been going on and need you all to be cool or I'm going to put a foot in your ass." The press corp and some Obama aides were visibly shaken by this in the latest of a serious of verbal lashings. He criticized the bonuses given to American International Group executives as an “inappropriate use of taxpayer funds,” and said he wants Congress to pass legislation giving the government greater regulatory authority over financial institutions like A.I.G.“Obviously, the whole issue of A.I.G. is fucked up and these bonuses that have been paid out have been consuming a lot of muther fuckin' attention because they represent what I think all of us consider fucked up,” President Obama said. “But what I think is also important and just as outrageous is the fact that we find ourselves in this mutherfucker." He added: “One of the messages that I want to send is that, as we get out of this crisis, as we work towards getting ourselves out of recession, I hope that Wall Street gets it's mutherfuckin shit together. Don;t be thinkin the marketplace don’t think that we can return to business as usual. The business models that created a lot of paper wealth but not real wealth in the country goddammit. Now this mutherfucker is all fucked up. I mean shit!" President Obama also offered support to his beleaguered Treasury secretary, saying Mr. Geithner “He's my nigger."

Obese Police Officer's Firing Overturned


March 18, 2009

Omaha-World Herald

By Staff Writer Donald P. Wizard


A Bellevue police officer's firing has overturned. A former Bellevue police officer fired for being overweight could be back patrolling the streets in a few months.

Christopher Parent, aka Officer "Fat Ass", has, by The Nebraska Court of Appeals, in an opinion released Tuesday, had his firing reversed. The Bellevue Civil Service Commission’s decision upholding the termination of Christopher D. Parent has been overturned. "That fat fuck will be walking the streets," stated Officer Denny Halen, clearly angered by the recent ruling.
Parent, 52, had been a member of the Police Department for more than 25 years, mostly as a detective, but had been reassigned to road patrol. His firing stemmed from his performance during an Aug. 28 combat shooting exercise, when he lost his balance and crushed a fellow officer to death. This prompted fellow officers to report him to the command staff. Parent was fired in 2007, after an internal investigation determined that he had not maintained a “high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning.”Bellevue Police Lt. Mark Elbert has said Parent, whose 2005-issued Nebraska driver’s license listed him at 5-foot-9 and 300 pounds, was fired under a policy that requires officers to be physically fit.The court’s opinion states that under the Bellevue Police Department policy used to justify Parent’s firing, Parent satisfied the only objective standard imposed.The court said he maintained “at least a ‘fair’ level of physical wellness pursuant to the standards contained within the . . . Department’s Wellness Program Manual.”Michael Polk, an attorney representing the city, said that paragraph in the policy since has been removed.“It was a policy that was part of an outdated wellness program, and it was removed because of that,” he said. Polk said it was standard for officers to self-report by filling out a sheet detailing how they stayed healthy and fit.“It wasn’t something that was officially audited,” he said.The current policy says, “Police Officers are called upon to perform a variety of tasks that require physical endurance and agility. This dictates that officers maintain a high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning, which can only be acquired through regular exercise, proper diet and utilizing time.”The City of Bellevue could let the case go — and Parent would be reinstated in a few months — or send the case to the Nebraska Supreme Court for further review, putting Parent’s job back on the line.Polk said he was disappointed by the decision and unsure what avenue the city would take.“Parent’s termination was reversed on a policy technicality,” he said. “He's still a fat ass. He knows he's a fat ass, and will always be a fat ass. This reversal is much like when criminal convictions are overturned on legal technicalities. It is ironic that an individual sworn to uphold the law uses a policy technicality to continue to ignore his personal physical condition, like a criminal using a loophole in the law to escape punishment.”Steve Delaney, Parent’s attorney, said Parent simply likes to eat and is excited about the decision and eager to get back to work.“He’s been a police officer and a helthy eater his entire adult life,” he said. “He has been and always wants to be a Bellevue police officer and is looking forward to going back.”Delaney would not comment on Parent’s current weight or detail what he has been doing since his termination.Bellevue Police Chief John Stacey was unavailable for comment.
Contact the Omaha World-Herald newsroomCopyright ©2009 Omaha World-Herald®. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, displayed or redistributed for any purpose without permission from the Omaha World-Herald.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

NOT GUILTY

Financial Times
March 12, 2009

The jury deliberated for less than ten minutes delivering a verdict that sent shockwaves through the courtroom. When the jury foreman said "not guilty" a collective gasp could be heard then cheers and backslapping remincent of the O.J. Simpson trial. Bernard Madoff hugged his wife and lawyers then pumped his fist in the air. As the verdict was repeated outside the courtroom the crowd became wrestless. "He took our money," shouted Jacob Mettlebaum, an elderly gentleman from Palm Beach. "We're destitute. My wife has to turn tricks. She's 80. Not even the GILF hunters will have her. Damn him!" As several people in the crowd broke down in tears several police officers could be seen on the sideline laughing and pointing. When pressed as to why they found amusement at such a scene one officer shugged his shoulders. "Well, you know, they're jews." A mass sepukku will be held later today in Central Park sponsored by The Victims of Bernie Madoff, a not for profit group miraculously untouched by the ponzi scheme. "It's terrible we lost all our money," said Robert Goldfard, the CEO of the group. "But if he hadn't ripped us off we would never have been able to get togther." Valierie Goldfarb stepped forward through the crowd to join her husband. "It's brought closer together. Robert used to fly all over the world sleeping with high priced call girls. Now that he doesn't have any money he has to stay home." When ask who was going to serve as kaishaku Mr. Goldfard became teary. "We can't afford one." Mr. Madoff was whisked away in a limosine to Laguardia where he boarded a jet for a belated Carribean vacation with his family. "It's been a long ordeal," said Mr. Madoff. "I'm looking forward to a little rest and relaxation.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I'm full of shit

March 9, 2009
Entertainment Weekly

George Clooney, star of the Ocean movie franchise and other top films, recently admitted in a pool side chat that he doesn't know what he's talking about. "All this crap I'm spewing about injustice, it's a sham so people will take me serious and I'll get a higher grade of pussy." When challenged the fifty-year old actor became visibly upset and admitted being a homosexual. "I wish you all would leave me alone." Clooney, also a film director slated to lens the latest in a slew of Julia Childs biopics, has been in the news lately with a squadron of different woman. "I'm a bachelor, they know where I stand," laughed Clooney. "I'm not marriage material, but does that make gay?" Yes, according to Daily Mail photojournalist, Ian McFey. "Mr. Clooney definitely takes it up the bum. All these birds are a distraction. He's a total fairy." When this reporter asked for evidence Mr. McFey spilled a manilla envelope of 8x10 glossy's of the American film star in compromising positions with what appeared to be very hairy Turk. When I ask who the other gentleman was, Mr. McFey nonchalantly said," Oh, that's Larry. Larry the fairy, that's his handle arounf Piccadily Circus. He makes that bloke in Borat looked like bleedin' Christy Brinkley. But that's how George likes em. He likes to be smothered in all that man hair." Mr. Clooney is a big movie star and I am a fan so it was with hesitation that I even ventured to report such findings. To be continued....

World's richest entertainer fighting for life

March 9, 2009
New York Times

Oprah Winfrey, the most successful woman in the history of the entertainment business, fights for her life this evening. She sustained multiple contusions to the face and head after being attacked by some youths while exiting Morton's a popular Chicago eatery. Police were immediately called and rushed the fifty-four year old talk show host to nearby Chicago General Hospital. Apparently Ms. Winfrey was accosted when she was getting into her car when several hooded youths yelled "get some" and piped her in the face.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Gay marriage legalized inside a man's butt

Father Flannery of Catholic Boys Outreach shows exactly where gay marriage can take place.
Photo by Michael Cocksucker


March 6, 2009
The Washington Post

In a stunning turn around The California State Supreme Court overturned Propostion 8 outlawing Gay Marriage. A spokesman for the court made today's announcement. "In a five to four vote Propostion 8 is nullified." When pressed for further detail the spokesman became visibly nervous and made a quick exit. "What they failed to mention," said Gary Swisher, a lawyer for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance or GLADD, "was where and how gay marriage can be conducted. I fail to see the humor in this highly offensive ruling by the court." When it was announced outside the courthouse in Sacramento several hundred people broke out in spontaneous cheers. This quickly died down when it was discovered that same sex couples, while being allowed to marry must now conduct the ceremony inside a man's anus. "I don't get it," exclaimed Stan Martin, a flamboyantly dressed theater usher. "I mean do I have to crawl up there? Hello, I'm not a gerbal." Civil rights attorney Jerry Goldberg took the microphone. "People, we've won a long, hard fought victory. You wanted gay marriage to be legal in California and so it is due to your hard work and perseverance. Now it''s up to you to figure out how you are going to fit two people up a grown man's ass." An irate man stormed the stage but was immediately given the gag ball by police. Sean Penn, the Oscar winning star of Milk, about the slain gay activist Harvey Milk, stepped to the podium expecting to be cheered but was instead met with a hail of ping-pong balls filled with AIDS infected semen. As he struggled to his feet unable to see, his wife Robin Wright Penn, distraught over the attack on her husband, knelt on the stage and performed sepukku. Chris Burke, the star of "Life Goes on", stood in as honorary kaishaku.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ashton Kutcher Taken Out by Elite Commando Unit

March 3, 2009
US News & World Report

The famous bad boy film and TV star and creator of "Punked" was assasinated in a hail of gunfire on a downtown Los Angeles street. "They seemed to know what they were doing n' sh*t," exclaimed Esmerelda Sanchez, the owner of local tortilla stand, who witnessed the brilliantly executed tactical slaying. "First, they just showed up," continued Ms. Sanchez. "I was like, who are those guys. They had big guns and uniforms. Then I saw Ashton Kutcher. I thought they were filming some movie. But there were no cameras. They surrounded his car and just started shooting. He got punked for real." No reason was given for the brutal murder or to the affilation of the group of killers. Overcome with grief Demi Moore, Mr. Kutcher's wife performed sepukku in the couples Santa Barbara home but was given the gag ball and refused the services of a kaishaku.

Report: Chimp-Attack Victim May Have Brain Damage Charla Nash Lost Her Hands, Nose, Lips, Eyelids In Attack; May Be Blind


March 3, 2009
New York Times
"Sweet," uttered Matthew Johnson, pictured boating with his girlfriend on Benazir Bhutto Lake, upon hearing about the deadly chimp attack. "That lady got totally mauled." When questioned further as to his apparent lack of sensitivity Mr. Johnson nervously retracted his statement. Minutes later his girlfriend was given the gag ball and savagely raped by a nearby mountain man known only as The Yeti.

Random African-American Prostitute to head SEC

March 4, 2009
New Statesman

Latanya Hercules Sweet Butter, was named to head the all important Security and Exchange Commision. "Ms. Butter brings tremendous experience in these troubled times," said President Obama. "She will oversee Wall Street and Main Street and will help steer our nation's troubled economy." Several Republican lawmakers were less than please with the new nomination. "Number one she's a negro and number two she's a whore," exclaimed Pat Roberts, the senior Senator from Kansas. Ms. Butter's nomination is expected to pass.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Former Presidential Candidate arrested then hospitlized then shot

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