NOT GUILTY

Financial Times
March 12, 2009

The jury deliberated for less than ten minutes delivering a verdict that sent shockwaves through the courtroom. When the jury foreman said "not guilty" a collective gasp could be heard then cheers and backslapping remincent of the O.J. Simpson trial. Bernard Madoff hugged his wife and lawyers then pumped his fist in the air. As the verdict was repeated outside the courtroom the crowd became wrestless. "He took our money," shouted Jacob Mettlebaum, an elderly gentleman from Palm Beach. "We're destitute. My wife has to turn tricks. She's 80. Not even the GILF hunters will have her. Damn him!" As several people in the crowd broke down in tears several police officers could be seen on the sideline laughing and pointing. When pressed as to why they found amusement at such a scene one officer shugged his shoulders. "Well, you know, they're jews." A mass sepukku will be held later today in Central Park sponsored by The Victims of Bernie Madoff, a not for profit group miraculously untouched by the ponzi scheme. "It's terrible we lost all our money," said Robert Goldfard, the CEO of the group. "But if he hadn't ripped us off we would never have been able to get togther." Valierie Goldfarb stepped forward through the crowd to join her husband. "It's brought closer together. Robert used to fly all over the world sleeping with high priced call girls. Now that he doesn't have any money he has to stay home." When ask who was going to serve as kaishaku Mr. Goldfard became teary. "We can't afford one." Mr. Madoff was whisked away in a limosine to Laguardia where he boarded a jet for a belated Carribean vacation with his family. "It's been a long ordeal," said Mr. Madoff. "I'm looking forward to a little rest and relaxation.