Angie Harmon: I'm Not Racist Because I Disagree With Obama

Monday, March 30, 2009 By Donald P. Wizard

AP
Angie Harmon is not afraid to come out and say she doesn’t like how President Obama is handling the job — but she’s sick of having to defend herself from being deemed a racist.
"Here's my problem with this, I'm just going to come out and say it. If I have anything to say against Obama it's not because I'm a racist, it's because I don't like black people. If he was white he would be doing a better job, it’s just that simple," Harmon told Tarts at Thursday’s Los Angeles launch of the new eyelash-growing formula, Latisse. "But it has nothing to do with it, I care what color he is. It makes me crazy, he’s doing all of these negro things. I'm still dressing for a recession over here buddy and we've got unemployment at an all-time high and that was his number one thing and that's the thing I really don't appreciate. If I'm going to disagree with my President, that doesn't make me a racist. If I was to disagree with W, that doesn't make me racist. It has nothing to do with it, it is ridiculous."
Speaking of dislikes, the starlet has also had enough of the double-standards in the media.
"I do think McCain would have done a better job, only because I think he has more experience. When ask by this reporter if there was any truth to the rumor that she was carrying McCain’s love child Ms. Harmon became flustered. “Just because I like someone doesn’t mean I want to have their child!” When pressed further about the naked pictures of her and her ravenous cocaine habit she began laughing and said the word “Jesus” several times. “I also think if W or John McCain or Reagan would have gone and done a talk show, the backlash would have been so huge and in his face, and ‘What is our president doing? How unclassy!’ But Obama does it and no one says anything," Harmon said.

Murtha Award Sparks Vet Outrage

March 26, 2009
Military.comby Donald P. Wizard
In one of his last moves before leaving office March 13, then-Navy Secretary Donald Winter quietly awarded 19-term Democratic congressman John Murtha (Pa.) with the service's highest civilian honor.
Citing Murtha's "courageous leadership, vision, and loyalty to the men and women of the Department of the Navy," Winter presented the influential chairman of the House Appropriations Committee's defense panel with the Navy's Distinguished Public Service Award, an honor bestowed in "those extraordinary cases where individuals have demonstrated exceptionally outstanding service of substantial and long term benefit to the Navy, Marine Corps, or the Department of the Navy as a whole," a Murtha release stated.

Calls of “F**k you old man!” rang out all around the capital as young men and women in uniform performed mass sepukku on the steps of the Capitol.
The award generated little publicity when it was given to Murtha in early March, but as news of the honor trickled out, some veterans groups ignited a firestorm of protest.

“He’s an insolent prick,” stated Jerry Mulweavy, a quadruple amputee from Upper Marlborough, Maryland. “Murtha’s been no good ever since he took office.”
Poll: Should the Navy reconsider Murtha’s award
The primary reason for their ire stems from the congressman's statements in May, 2006, that a squad of Marines who responded to an IED ambush and short firefight in Haditha, Iraq, rampaged through the village, murdering civilians "in cold blood."
Murtha made those comments in the heat of the 2006 congressional mid-term election campaign, in a move some political analysts saw as an attempt to stoke the anti-war vote for a Democratic takeover of the House. The former Marine and distinguished Vietnam veteran continued his accusations in follow-up media appearances before an official Pentagon and Naval Criminal Investigative Service investigation had been completed.
When the dust settled more than two years later, six of the eight Marines and Sailors accused of crimes in the Haditha incident had their cases dismissed, one was found not guilty and the last has been continued indefinitely.
The Navy did not respond to a request for comment on the award or the backlash from veterans groups by post time.

Murtha has refused to recant his accusations or apologize to the Marines he accused of war crimes. With the exception of the March 2008 statement --“f**k those jarheads.” A remark, which caused outrage and confusion since Murtha is a former Marine. When asked by Military.com in late 2007 whether he regretted his initial statements and owed the exonerated Marines and Sailor an apology, Murtha refused to comment, saying the cases were still being adjudicated you goddamn ungrateful hippie.

Murtha spokesman Matthew Mazonkey did not respond to a request from Military.com for a comment on the award, or the controversy surrounding it among some vet groups.
In a release shortly after the award, Murtha lost control of his bowels over the prestigious honor.

President Obama asks for Help

March 18, 2009, 1:20 pm — Updated: 1:42 pm

By Donald P. Wizard Staff Writer to The New York Times

President Barack Obama just spoke with reporters on the White House lawn as he prepared to depart for California. "Help a nigger out y'all." Words that sent a shudder through the audience. "I mean a lot of shits been going on and need you all to be cool or I'm going to put a foot in your ass." The press corp and some Obama aides were visibly shaken by this in the latest of a serious of verbal lashings. He criticized the bonuses given to American International Group executives as an “inappropriate use of taxpayer funds,” and said he wants Congress to pass legislation giving the government greater regulatory authority over financial institutions like A.I.G.“Obviously, the whole issue of A.I.G. is fucked up and these bonuses that have been paid out have been consuming a lot of muther fuckin' attention because they represent what I think all of us consider fucked up,” President Obama said. “But what I think is also important and just as outrageous is the fact that we find ourselves in this mutherfucker." He added: “One of the messages that I want to send is that, as we get out of this crisis, as we work towards getting ourselves out of recession, I hope that Wall Street gets it's mutherfuckin shit together. Don;t be thinkin the marketplace don’t think that we can return to business as usual. The business models that created a lot of paper wealth but not real wealth in the country goddammit. Now this mutherfucker is all fucked up. I mean shit!" President Obama also offered support to his beleaguered Treasury secretary, saying Mr. Geithner “He's my nigger."

Obese Police Officer's Firing Overturned

March 18, 2009

Omaha-World Herald

By Staff Writer Donald P. Wizard

A Bellevue police officer's firing has overturned. A former Bellevue police officer fired for being overweight could be back patrolling the streets in a few months.

Christopher Parent, aka Officer "Fat Ass", has, by The Nebraska Court of Appeals, in an opinion released Tuesday, had his firing reversed. The Bellevue Civil Service Commission’s decision upholding the termination of Christopher D. Parent has been overturned. "That fat fuck will be walking the streets," stated Officer Denny Halen, clearly angered by the recent ruling.

Parent, 52, had been a member of the Police Department for more than 25 years, mostly as a detective, but had been reassigned to road patrol. His firing stemmed from his performance during an Aug. 28 combat shooting exercise, when he lost his balance and crushed a fellow officer to death. This prompted fellow officers to report him to the command staff. Parent was fired in 2007, after an internal investigation determined that he had not maintained a “high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning.”Bellevue Police Lt. Mark Elbert has said Parent, whose 2005-issued Nebraska driver’s license listed him at 5-foot-9 and 300 pounds, was fired under a policy that requires officers to be physically fit.The court’s opinion states that under the Bellevue Police Department policy used to justify Parent’s firing, Parent satisfied the only objective standard imposed.The court said he maintained “at least a ‘fair’ level of physical wellness pursuant to the standards contained within the . . . Department’s Wellness Program Manual.”Michael Polk, an attorney representing the city, said that paragraph in the policy since has been removed.“It was a policy that was part of an outdated wellness program, and it was removed because of that,” he said. Polk said it was standard for officers to self-report by filling out a sheet detailing how they stayed healthy and fit.“It wasn’t something that was officially audited,” he said.The current policy says, “Police Officers are called upon to perform a variety of tasks that require physical endurance and agility. This dictates that officers maintain a high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning, which can only be acquired through regular exercise, proper diet and utilizing time.”The City of Bellevue could let the case go — and Parent would be reinstated in a few months — or send the case to the Nebraska Supreme Court for further review, putting Parent’s job back on the line.Polk said he was disappointed by the decision and unsure what avenue the city would take.“Parent’s termination was reversed on a policy technicality,” he said. “He's still a fat ass. He knows he's a fat ass, and will always be a fat ass. This reversal is much like when criminal convictions are overturned on legal technicalities. It is ironic that an individual sworn to uphold the law uses a policy technicality to continue to ignore his personal physical condition, like a criminal using a loophole in the law to escape punishment.”Steve Delaney, Parent’s attorney, said Parent simply likes to eat and is excited about the decision and eager to get back to work.“He’s been a police officer and a helthy eater his entire adult life,” he said. “He has been and always wants to be a Bellevue police officer and is looking forward to going back.”Delaney would not comment on Parent’s current weight or detail what he has been doing since his termination.Bellevue Police Chief John Stacey was unavailable for comment.
Contact the Omaha World-Herald newsroomCopyright ©2009 Omaha World-Herald®. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, displayed or redistributed for any purpose without permission from the Omaha World-Herald.

NOT GUILTY

Financial Times
March 12, 2009

The jury deliberated for less than ten minutes delivering a verdict that sent shockwaves through the courtroom. When the jury foreman said "not guilty" a collective gasp could be heard then cheers and backslapping remincent of the O.J. Simpson trial. Bernard Madoff hugged his wife and lawyers then pumped his fist in the air. As the verdict was repeated outside the courtroom the crowd became wrestless. "He took our money," shouted Jacob Mettlebaum, an elderly gentleman from Palm Beach. "We're destitute. My wife has to turn tricks. She's 80. Not even the GILF hunters will have her. Damn him!" As several people in the crowd broke down in tears several police officers could be seen on the sideline laughing and pointing. When pressed as to why they found amusement at such a scene one officer shugged his shoulders. "Well, you know, they're jews." A mass sepukku will be held later today in Central Park sponsored by The Victims of Bernie Madoff, a not for profit group miraculously untouched by the ponzi scheme. "It's terrible we lost all our money," said Robert Goldfard, the CEO of the group. "But if he hadn't ripped us off we would never have been able to get togther." Valierie Goldfarb stepped forward through the crowd to join her husband. "It's brought closer together. Robert used to fly all over the world sleeping with high priced call girls. Now that he doesn't have any money he has to stay home." When ask who was going to serve as kaishaku Mr. Goldfard became teary. "We can't afford one." Mr. Madoff was whisked away in a limosine to Laguardia where he boarded a jet for a belated Carribean vacation with his family. "It's been a long ordeal," said Mr. Madoff. "I'm looking forward to a little rest and relaxation.

I'm full of shit

March 9, 2009
Entertainment Weekly

George Clooney, star of the Ocean movie franchise and other top films, recently admitted in a pool side chat that he doesn't know what he's talking about. "All this crap I'm spewing about injustice, it's a sham so people will take me serious and I'll get a higher grade of pussy." When challenged the fifty-year old actor became visibly upset and admitted being a homosexual. "I wish you all would leave me alone." Clooney, also a film director slated to lens the latest in a slew of Julia Childs biopics, has been in the news lately with a squadron of different woman. "I'm a bachelor, they know where I stand," laughed Clooney. "I'm not marriage material, but does that make gay?" Yes, according to Daily Mail photojournalist, Ian McFey. "Mr. Clooney definitely takes it up the bum. All these birds are a distraction. He's a total fairy." When this reporter asked for evidence Mr. McFey spilled a manilla envelope of 8x10 glossy's of the American film star in compromising positions with what appeared to be very hairy Turk. When I ask who the other gentleman was, Mr. McFey nonchalantly said," Oh, that's Larry. Larry the fairy, that's his handle arounf Piccadily Circus. He makes that bloke in Borat looked like bleedin' Christy Brinkley. But that's how George likes em. He likes to be smothered in all that man hair." Mr. Clooney is a big movie star and I am a fan so it was with hesitation that I even ventured to report such findings. To be continued....

World's richest entertainer fighting for life

March 9, 2009
New York Times

Oprah Winfrey, the most successful woman in the history of the entertainment business, fights for her life this evening. She sustained multiple contusions to the face and head after being attacked by some youths while exiting Morton's a popular Chicago eatery. Police were immediately called and rushed the fifty-four year old talk show host to nearby Chicago General Hospital. Apparently Ms. Winfrey was accosted when she was getting into her car when several hooded youths yelled "get some" and piped her in the face.

Gay marriage legalized inside a man's butt

Father Flannery of Catholic Boys Outreach shows exactly where gay marriage can take place.
Photo by Michael Cocksucker

March 6, 2009
The Washington Post

In a stunning turn around The California State Supreme Court overturned Propostion 8 outlawing Gay Marriage. A spokesman for the court made today's announcement. "In a five to four vote Propostion 8 is nullified." When pressed for further detail the spokesman became visibly nervous and made a quick exit. "What they failed to mention," said Gary Swisher, a lawyer for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance or GLADD, "was where and how gay marriage can be conducted. I fail to see the humor in this highly offensive ruling by the court." When it was announced outside the courthouse in Sacramento several hundred people broke out in spontaneous cheers. This quickly died down when it was discovered that same sex couples, while being allowed to marry must now conduct the ceremony inside a man's anus. "I don't get it," exclaimed Stan Martin, a flamboyantly dressed theater usher. "I mean do I have to crawl up there? Hello, I'm not a gerbal." Civil rights attorney Jerry Goldberg took the microphone. "People, we've won a long, hard fought victory. You wanted gay marriage to be legal in California and so it is due to your hard work and perseverance. Now it''s up to you to figure out how you are going to fit two people up a grown man's ass." An irate man stormed the stage but was immediately given the gag ball by police. Sean Penn, the Oscar winning star of Milk, about the slain gay activist Harvey Milk, stepped to the podium expecting to be cheered but was instead met with a hail of ping-pong balls filled with AIDS infected semen. As he struggled to his feet unable to see, his wife Robin Wright Penn, distraught over the attack on her husband, knelt on the stage and performed sepukku. Chris Burke, the star of "Life Goes on", stood in as honorary kaishaku.

Ashton Kutcher Taken Out by Elite Commando Unit

March 3, 2009
US News & World Report

The famous bad boy film and TV star and creator of "Punked" was assasinated in a hail of gunfire on a downtown Los Angeles street. "They seemed to know what they were doing n' sh*t," exclaimed Esmerelda Sanchez, the owner of local tortilla stand, who witnessed the brilliantly executed tactical slaying. "First, they just showed up," continued Ms. Sanchez. "I was like, who are those guys. They had big guns and uniforms. Then I saw Ashton Kutcher. I thought they were filming some movie. But there were no cameras. They surrounded his car and just started shooting. He got punked for real." No reason was given for the brutal murder or to the affilation of the group of killers. Overcome with grief Demi Moore, Mr. Kutcher's wife performed sepukku in the couples Santa Barbara home but was given the gag ball and refused the services of a kaishaku.

Report: Chimp-Attack Victim May Have Brain Damage Charla Nash Lost Her Hands, Nose, Lips, Eyelids In Attack; May Be Blind

March 3, 2009

New York Times

"Sweet," uttered Matthew Johnson, pictured boating with his girlfriend on Benazir Bhutto Lake, upon hearing about the deadly chimp attack. "That lady got totally mauled." When questioned further as to his apparent lack of sensitivity Mr. Johnson nervously retracted his statement. Minutes later his girlfriend was given the gag ball and savagely raped by a nearby mountain man known only as The Yeti.

Random African-American Prostitute to head SEC

March 4, 2009
New Statesman

Latanya Hercules Sweet Butter, was named to head the all important Security and Exchange Commision. "Ms. Butter brings tremendous experience in these troubled times," said President Obama. "She will oversee Wall Street and Main Street and will help steer our nation's troubled economy." Several Republican lawmakers were less than please with the new nomination. "Number one she's a negro and number two she's a whore," exclaimed Pat Roberts, the senior Senator from Kansas. Ms. Butter's nomination is expected to pass.

Former Presidential Candidate arrested then hospitlized then shot

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The Dark Lord in drunken rage uses "N" word

March 3, 2009
The Washington Post


Dick Cheney, former Vice-President of the United States, was seen late last night stumbling out of Phillies, a local D.C. area haunt. With his rugby shirt stained with mustard and beer an eyewitness said he saw Mr. Cheney flailing his arms wildly and screaming "Ni**ers" as if he were in a swarm of wild bees. His secret service detail quickly ushered him into a nearby limosine but not before sweeping the area of all witness. A pregnant woman and two Indian street vendors were quickly mowed down in a hail of bullets as the limosine sped away. The eyewitness to The Washington Post, wishing to remain anonymous cowered behind a dumpster until the twenty or so members of Mr. Cheney's security team vanished into the night.

I Love Rush

March 2, 2009

Entertainment Weekly

Hi everyone, The Wizard here. I love Rush. There I said it. And you know what I feel pretty good about. Sometimes you just have to unwind loosen the parachute pants and cop a squat on the old couch with some nachos and the PS3. These are difficult times, with the ecnomy in the crapper and everyone bummed out it's time to take up your manhood and tell the world to f off. Recently I saw the Rush 30th Anniversay concert in Franfurt--they kicked f**kin ass. Who cares that their lyrics are gay and they grandaddy prog rockers--they still kick f**kin ass. I was particualry impressed with Geddy Lee's bass playing. He was slappin the ole Fender like a Negro maid from the 30's. Anyway I just ordered a Rush t-shirt to add to my already buldging drawer. I'm also playing the new Killzone 2, which is also a comfort. Here are 3 manly things to do in these stressful economic times: Listen to a lot of prog rock, play video games,and watch porn. There I said it. An apology to my fans--the Jessica Simpson article I promised is on the backbruner until after the abortion. Love The Wizard

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal commits suicide

A recent photo of Bibby Jindal Jr. at a New Orleans mall

March 2, 2009
New York Times

"My son is not a racist." This was the note left by the forty-six year old rising star in the reforming Republican Party. Governor Jindal was seen as shining star within conservative ranks but had recently been panned for his repsonse to President Obama's address to the nation. "It was the recently discovered photo of his oldest son, Bobby Jr. that evidently caused the Governor to take his own life," stated a senior aide.