Klanwatch: U.S. Hate-group membership up 54% in '08

World famous movie star goes blind

February 27, 2009
PEOPLE

Julia Roberts, world famous Oscar winning actress, of such films as Pretty Woman and Erin Brockovich, was declared blind by a crack team of eye specialists who decended on the movie stars home late last night. A statement was given to the media by Dr. Martin Fineman, from Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. "Ms. Roberts was made blind by a large dose of semen, lodged in her octoliar cavity or eye socket to use laymens terms." When asked to follow up on the statement the doctor declined. An upity negro in from the back of the press corner approached, sweating profusely and making random jerking motions. Before he was subdued by police he screamed, "He nutted in her eye!"

Former child star performs seppuku--survives...

February 27, 2009
New York Times

Macaulay Culkin, a former child star known throughout the world for the mega blockbuster movie Home Alone, was found by in a pool of own blood and intestines after performing seppuku. He was rushed to the hospital and is in stable condition. Seppuku the ancient Japanese art considered to be suicide involves a systematic disemboweling followed by a customary beheading by a kaishaku-an individual armed with a sword, who is charged with decapating the suicide victim or seppuku artist. Mr. Culkin's girlfriend and family were obviously distraught. "He should be dead," said his brother Rory. "He did it all wrong. How do you mess up a seppuku? I mean he's lost it. He can't even kill himself right." When asked to clarify as to why he was upset at his brother Not being dead, Rory Culkin sighed. "You just don't understand seppuku."

Richard Hawkins, famed "GILF" hunter dead at 53

February 27, 2009
USA Today

Richard Hawkins loved the ladies, especially the older ones, and claims to have bedded over 500 women over the age of 65. "Mr. Hawkins exclusively dated women who were quite elderly," stated Miami Beach Sheriff, Lyle Hopper. Mr. Hawkins apparantly died of a combination of alcohol and pills. The term GILF or Grandmas I'd Like to F**k was coined by a long time fan and admirer of Mr. Hawkins, Sir Henry Jenkins, founder of the National Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA. "Dick had a tremendous libido," continued Sir Jenkins. "I was quite envious of him. One of the reasons older women found him so attractive is that he was such a ravenous lover especially in the area of oral copulation." Sir Jenkins became tearful as he clutched a photo of his friend sandwiched between two former girlfriends in a nearby hospice. "The streets of Boca are quiet tonight," wept Sir Jenkins. "These women were lonely trapped inside these loveless compounds called nursing homes. He would hunt them down and love them. Who are they going to turn to now?"

President Obama joins President Bill Clinton on Remote Island

February 27, 2009

RealPolitics.com

Relieved at the recent passing of the stimulus bill President Obama took former President Bill up on his offer of a "good old fashioned pussy hunt--down-home-Southern style." President Obama booarded Marine One and was airlifted to an undisclosed air base where he was whisked away on a Lear Jet owned and operated by famed Chinese Crime Lord--Fak-U. He met up with former President Bill Clinton on an island off the Dominican Republic where according to the 42nd President "there so poor they have to f**k in order to survive. President Obama's Secret Service detail was less than pleased by the logical night posed by the sudden random excursion but the 44th President was heard to say "f**k all y'all" as he boarded the Lear Jet where he was greeted by a topless flight attendant.

Dr. Phillip McGraw indicted for rape

February 27, 2009
Associated Press

Dr. Phillip J. McGraw, seen here attending the bar mitzvah for the son of one of his show writers, was greeted outside the temple by Los Angeles County sheriffs, cuffed and taken to prison. Charged with the rape, the man known to millions of viewers as Dr. Phil, pleaded not guilty but sent directly to jail and denied bail by Judge Hanahan, "based on the gruesome nature, context, and overwhelming evidence of the crime."

Wal-Mart worker burns self to death in parking lot

February 27, 2009
Associated Press

"Why daddy why?" These were the cries from Ashley Thrombarton as she cried over the burnt remains of her father. Jerry Thrombarton, a longtime Wal-Mart employee in Huntsville, Alabama, took his own life by burning, using a can of Coleman Kerosen from the sporting goods section, doused it on himself and lit a match. No note was found though several co-workers and friends did approach this reporter stating Mr. Thrombarton had been distraught over the state of his marriage. "She done lied down with a negro," stated one co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous.