Ashton Kutcher Taken Out by Elite Commando Unit

March 3, 2009
US News & World Report

The famous bad boy film and TV star and creator of "Punked" was assasinated in a hail of gunfire on a downtown Los Angeles street. "They seemed to know what they were doing n' sh*t," exclaimed Esmerelda Sanchez, the owner of local tortilla stand, who witnessed the brilliantly executed tactical slaying. "First, they just showed up," continued Ms. Sanchez. "I was like, who are those guys. They had big guns and uniforms. Then I saw Ashton Kutcher. I thought they were filming some movie. But there were no cameras. They surrounded his car and just started shooting. He got punked for real." No reason was given for the brutal murder or to the affilation of the group of killers. Overcome with grief Demi Moore, Mr. Kutcher's wife performed sepukku in the couples Santa Barbara home but was given the gag ball and refused the services of a kaishaku.

Report: Chimp-Attack Victim May Have Brain Damage Charla Nash Lost Her Hands, Nose, Lips, Eyelids In Attack; May Be Blind

March 3, 2009

New York Times

"Sweet," uttered Matthew Johnson, pictured boating with his girlfriend on Benazir Bhutto Lake, upon hearing about the deadly chimp attack. "That lady got totally mauled." When questioned further as to his apparent lack of sensitivity Mr. Johnson nervously retracted his statement. Minutes later his girlfriend was given the gag ball and savagely raped by a nearby mountain man known only as The Yeti.

Random African-American Prostitute to head SEC

March 4, 2009
New Statesman

Latanya Hercules Sweet Butter, was named to head the all important Security and Exchange Commision. "Ms. Butter brings tremendous experience in these troubled times," said President Obama. "She will oversee Wall Street and Main Street and will help steer our nation's troubled economy." Several Republican lawmakers were less than please with the new nomination. "Number one she's a negro and number two she's a whore," exclaimed Pat Roberts, the senior Senator from Kansas. Ms. Butter's nomination is expected to pass.

Former Presidential Candidate arrested then hospitlized then shot

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The Dark Lord in drunken rage uses "N" word

March 3, 2009
The Washington Post


Dick Cheney, former Vice-President of the United States, was seen late last night stumbling out of Phillies, a local D.C. area haunt. With his rugby shirt stained with mustard and beer an eyewitness said he saw Mr. Cheney flailing his arms wildly and screaming "Ni**ers" as if he were in a swarm of wild bees. His secret service detail quickly ushered him into a nearby limosine but not before sweeping the area of all witness. A pregnant woman and two Indian street vendors were quickly mowed down in a hail of bullets as the limosine sped away. The eyewitness to The Washington Post, wishing to remain anonymous cowered behind a dumpster until the twenty or so members of Mr. Cheney's security team vanished into the night.

I Love Rush

March 2, 2009

Entertainment Weekly

Hi everyone, The Wizard here. I love Rush. There I said it. And you know what I feel pretty good about. Sometimes you just have to unwind loosen the parachute pants and cop a squat on the old couch with some nachos and the PS3. These are difficult times, with the ecnomy in the crapper and everyone bummed out it's time to take up your manhood and tell the world to f off. Recently I saw the Rush 30th Anniversay concert in Franfurt--they kicked f**kin ass. Who cares that their lyrics are gay and they grandaddy prog rockers--they still kick f**kin ass. I was particualry impressed with Geddy Lee's bass playing. He was slappin the ole Fender like a Negro maid from the 30's. Anyway I just ordered a Rush t-shirt to add to my already buldging drawer. I'm also playing the new Killzone 2, which is also a comfort. Here are 3 manly things to do in these stressful economic times: Listen to a lot of prog rock, play video games,and watch porn. There I said it. An apology to my fans--the Jessica Simpson article I promised is on the backbruner until after the abortion. Love The Wizard

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal commits suicide

A recent photo of Bibby Jindal Jr. at a New Orleans mall

March 2, 2009
New York Times

"My son is not a racist." This was the note left by the forty-six year old rising star in the reforming Republican Party. Governor Jindal was seen as shining star within conservative ranks but had recently been panned for his repsonse to President Obama's address to the nation. "It was the recently discovered photo of his oldest son, Bobby Jr. that evidently caused the Governor to take his own life," stated a senior aide.