The VagAnus Monologues

British PM Brown "Hitler was a good man"

2009-05-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

London Daily Mail
May 6, 2009

Little is known as to the how and why but Gordon Brown, Britains 78th Prime Minister, thinks Hitler is a "bloody good bloke. He did lots of good and let's face it, some bad too. We all make mistakes." What's quite shocking is that Borwn is locked in a political battle to save his job. Why he chooses to sing the praises of the greatest mass murderer in history is baffling.

The WHO raises pandemic flu alert level to phase 5

2009-04-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

1 hr 7 mins ago
GENEVA – Rock stalwarts The WHO also known as the World Health Organization has raised its pandemic alert for swine flu to the second highest level, meaning that it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent. Known mainly for hit albums such as Tommy and Quadropehnia The WHO is also the World Health Organization. "Yeah, we put down our axes cause a lot of people are sick," added WHO frontman Pete Townsend. "The phase 5 alert means there is sustained human to human spread in at least two countries. It also signals that efforts to produce a vaccine will be ramped up.
WHO bassist John Entwistle also known as The Ox has confirmed human cases of swine flu in Mexico, the United States, Canada, Britain, Israel, New Zealand and Spain. Mexico and the U.S. have reported deaths. "It's bloody everywhere. People coughing losing their lunch on people. it's disgusting."
WHO Director-General Keith Moon made the decision Wednesday to raise the alert level from phase 4 — "Holy cripes, there's a lot of bloody sick geezers about!" stated the often rawkus drummer and onstage showman--signifying transmission in only one country — after reviewing the latest scientific evidence on the outbreak.
THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information. AP's earlier story is below.
BERLIN (AP) — The World Health Organization warned Wednesday that the swine flu outbreak is moving closer to becoming a pandemic, as the United States reported the first swine flu death outside of Mexico, and Germany and Austria became latest European nations hit by the disease.
In Geneva, WHO flu chief and lead singer Dr. Roger Daltry told reporters to "Fuck off" and "Why don't you all just fade away", he also added there was no evidence the virus was slowing down, moving the agency closer to raising its pandemic alert to phase 5, indicating widespread human-to-human transmission.
The WHO performed live doing a short set of their classics such as "My Generation" and "Can't Explain" while also conducting a scientific review Wednesday to determine exactly what is known about how the disease spreads, how it affects human health and how it can be treated.

Austria's health ministry said a 28-year-old bearded woman who recently returned from a month long trip to Guatemala via Mexico City and Miami has the virus but is recovering at
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown's flat in Sheperds Bush. Health officials are now ordering extra medicine and "several million more" face masks to deal with the virus.
___
Associated Press Writers around the world contributed to this report.

WHO raises pandemic flu alert level to phase 5

2009-04-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

GENEVA – The World Health Organization has raised its pandemic alert for swine flu to the second highest level, meaning that it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent.
WHO says the phase 5 alert means there is sustained human to human spread in at least two countries. It also signals that efforts to produce a vaccine will be ramped up.
WHO has confirmed human cases of swine flu in Mexico, the United States, Canada, Britain, Israel, New Zealand and Spain. Mexico and the U.S. have reported deaths.
WHO Director-General Margaret Chan made the decision Wednesday to raise the alert level from phase 4 — signifying transmission in only one country — after reviewing the latest scientific evidence on the outbreak.
THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information. AP's earlier story is below.
BERLIN (AP) — The World Health Organization warned Wednesday that the swine flu outbreak is moving closer to becoming a pandemic, as the United States reported the first swine flu death outside of Mexico, and Germany and Austria became latest European nations hit by the disease.
In Geneva, WHO flu chief Dr. Keiji Fukuda told reporters that there was no evidence the virus was slowing down, moving the agency closer to raising its pandemic alert to phase 5, indicating widespread human-to-human transmission.
But he said the health body not yet ready to move the pandemic alert level up from its current level of 4, which means the virus is being passed among people. Phase 6 — the highest in the scale — is for a full-scale pandemic.
As fear and uncertainty about the disease ricocheted around the globe, nations took all sorts of precautions, some more useful than others.
Britain closed a school after a 12-year-old girl was found to have the disease. Egypt slaughtered all its pigs and the central African nation of Gabon became the latest nation to ban pork imports, despite assurances that swine flu was not related to eating pork.
Cuba eased its flight ban, deciding just to block flights coming in from Mexico. And Asian nations greeted returning airport travelers with teams of medical workers and carts of disinfectants, eager to keep swine flu from infecting their continent.
In Mexico City, the epicenter of the epidemic, the mayor said Wednesday the outbreak seemed to be stabilizing and he was considering easing the citywide shutdown that closed schools, restaurants, concert halls and sports arenas.
Swine flu is suspected of killing more than 150 people in Mexico and sickening over 2,400 there.
Dr. Richard Besser, the acting chief of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said 91 cases have now been confirmed in 10 states, and health officials there reported Wednesday that a 23-month-old Mexican boy had died in Texas from the disease.
Across Europe, Germany confirmed three swine flu cases and Austria one, while the number of confirmed cases rose to five in Britain and ten in Spain.
WHO conducted a scientific review Wednesday to determine exactly what is known about how the disease spreads, how it affects human health and how it can be treated.
Dr. Nikki Shindo, a WHO flu expert, said the review would focus on the large trove of data coming from Mexico and from a school in New York City that has been hard-hit by the outbreak.
Germany's national disease control center, the Robert Koch Institute, said the country's three cases include a 22-year-old woman hospitalized in Hamburg, a man in his late 30s at a hospital in Regensburg, north of Munich, and a 37-year-old woman from another Bavarian town. All three had recently returned from Mexico.
Austria's health ministry said a 28-year-old woman who recently returned from a monthlong trip to Guatemala via Mexico City and Miami has the virus but is recovering.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said health officials were ordering extra medicine and "several million more" face masks to deal with the virus.
British media reports, citing an unidentified European surgical mask manufacturer, said the U.K. was seeking 32 million masks to protect its health workers from a possible pandemic.
"We've decided to build stocks of anti-virals, from 35 million to 50 million," Brown said, adding that the government had put in enhanced airport checks and was going to mail swine flu information leaflets to every household in Britain.
In addition to a couple in Scotland who got swine flu on their Mexican honeymoon, new British cases included a 12-year-old girl in the southwest English town of Torbay. Brown said her school had been closed as a precaution.
He said the other two cases were adults in London and in Birmingham. All three had visited Mexico, were receiving anti-viral drugs and were responding well to treatment, Brown said.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy met with Cabinet ministers to discuss swine flu and his health minister said France will ask the European Union to suspend flights to Mexico.
The U.S., the European Union and other countries have discouraged nonessential travel to Mexico. Cuba suspended all regular and charter flights from Mexico to the island but was still allowing airlines to return travelers to Mexico.
New Zealand's number of swine flu cases rose to 14, 13 of them among a school group that recently returned from Mexico. Officials say the swine flu strain infecting the students is the same as that in Mexico. All were responding well to antiviral drugs and in voluntary quarantine at home.
New Zealand has 44 other possible cases, with tests under way.
Mexico was taking drastic measures to fight the outbreak. It closed all archaeological sites and allowed restaurants in the capital to only serve takeout food in an aggressive bid to stop gatherings where the virus can spread. Schools remained closed until at least May 6.
A regional beach soccer championship in Mexico was postponed and all Mexican first-division soccer games this weekend will be played with no audiences. Cruise lines were avoiding Mexican ports and holiday tour groups are canceling holiday charter flights there.
The Philippine health chief appealed to dozens of Filipino legislators to abandon plans to visit Las Vegas to cheer for boxing idol Manny Pacquiao — even though Las Vegas is more than 300 miles (480 kilometers) from the Mexican border.
Egypt's government ordered the slaughter of all pigs in the country as a precaution, though no swine flu cases have been reported there. Egypt's overwhelmingly Muslim population does not eat pork, but farmers raise up to 350,000 pigs for its Christian minority.
In Australia, officials were testing more than 100 people with flu symptoms for the virus and the government gave health authorities wide powers to contain contagious diseases.
"(We can make) sure that people are isolated and perhaps detained if they don't cooperate and are showing symptoms," said Health Minister Nicola Roxon.
___
Associated Press Writers around the world contributed to this report.

President Obama and gay lover Elton John backstage at CMA Awards

2009-04-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

April 21, 2009
Entertainment Weekly
Donald P. Wizard

The 44th President of the United States made a surprise appearance backstage at the 13th annual Country Music Awards. "I'm gay and I'm proud," beamed the President. "And don't froget you're black," chimmed his boyfreind of twenty-years-singer-songwriter Sir Elton John. "Shut up you bitch," hissed the President. "Don't be getting all up in here. This is my show." The two men obviously distressed wrestled each other to the ground and began to violent tongue kiss each other. "I want access to your anus," ordered the President. It was then that five secret service men stripped Sir Elton and he was penatrated from behind. After intercourse President Obama walked out onstage to a cheering crowd. "This is my base," he told CMA attendees. "I grew up on country music." He made no mention of his ravenous homosexuality or the fact that his long time lover was due to come on in minutes to perform "Homey in a Haystack" from his latest record "Shirtlifter."

NOT GUILTY:Spector gets off with a warning

2009-04-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

AP
April 13, 2009
Famed music producer Phil Spector was found not guilty. The five month trial is over. Details are still forming but the courtroom broke out in hysterics whent he verdict was read. Lana Clarkson's family was visibly upset but the judge a personal friend of Spector's and a cousin of his dealer, ordered the family out of the courtroom. Spector hugged his lawyers and promised the judge he'd be more careful next time.

Recent violence in US linked to this couple

2009-04-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2009

UPI

Donald P. Wizard

Matt and Sherry Netherland, a seemingly happy couple from Montclaire, New Jersey are the cause of the recent gun violence plaguing the United States according to Justice Department sources. Mr. Netherland, a computer software engineer and his wife, a professed "soccer mom" have received death threats, law suits, and what turns out most of the blame for the several multiple homicides through four states. A tearful Mrs. Netherland denies any culpability. "I was just picking my kids up from school when that chink I mean Asian American killed all those people." When pressed about what is now being called the Pittsburg police massacre where three officers were killed by Ricahrd Polikowski Mrs. Netherland claimed innocence. "I had nothing to do with that. Besides, wasn't he Polish?" Mr. Netherland clearly angry at the throng of reporters on their lawn stormed out. "We're honest law abiding tax payers. Stop harassing us!" Mr. Netherland then produced a small hand gun and took his own life. Mrs. Nertherland distraught and disoriented performed sepukku with her ten year old Ricky standing in as an emergency Kaishaku.

Deadly Rampages Rack the Nation

2009-04-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

By Donald Wizard
PITTSBURGH -- A 22-year-man who shot and killed three Pittsburgh police officers over the weekend had been stockpiling guns and ammunition, buying and selling the weapons online "because he's Polish," according to a court report.
The gunman, Richard Andrew Poplawski, surrendered and was taken into custody after he was shot several times in the leg. Police said he will be charged with three counts of homicide, aggravated assault and other charges. "He had an AK-47, a .22 long rifle and also a pistol," said police Chief Nate Harper.
The shootings came during a particularly violent three days across the U.S., with shootings that left 14 dead in Binghamton, N.Y., and six dead in Washington state, where a father shot five of his children, ages 7 to 16, using a rifle, and later, himself.

Jiverly Dong, the gunman in Friday's rampage at a Binghamton, N.Y., immigrant education center, had a permit from California to carry weapons, and he had a huge cock, said a spokesman for the city of Binghamton. It wasn't clear whether the gunman had obtained a permit in New York state but he was packing a lot of meat. When ask to clarify--you mean heat, the spokesman cleared their throat and became red faced. "No I mean meat. He had a huge cock."

National Rifle Association officials couldn't be reached for comment Sunday. The group takes the position that citizens have a basic right to keep and arm bears, a bizarre typo in the Constitution, which allows citizens to arm live bears. "It's a bit disconcerting," said Abe Froman, a constitutional law professor at Georgetowne. "They shoud throw it out. I mean bears are biologically incapable of holding a gun let alone a fork. But it's the constitution, the holy grail, it'll never be revised.,"

Police said Mr. Poplawski immediately fired upon officers who had been called to the post modern all vinyl house in the quiet blue-collar neighborhood of Stanton Heights by his mother following an argument with her son. Pittsburgh police officers Eric Kelly, Stephen J. Mayhle and Paul J. Sciullo III died in the shooting. Mr. Kelly was a 14-year veteran. Mr. Mayhle and Mr. Sciullo both had been on the force for two years. Naughty naughty, don't forget the kevlar.
Mr. Kelly had just finished his late shift of 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. and was on his way home when he heard the domestic call. By the time he arrived, Messrs. Mayhle and Sciullo had been fatally shot in the head. Mr. Kelly was shot as he pulled up to the scene. He managed to call for more help before dying. "Help, help, arghhh, awww...."
Police said Mr. Poplawski's mother was home at the time and hiding in the basement naked and was apparently unharmed. Police said more than 100 bullets were fired in the standoff. The last police officer shot in the line of duty was in 1995, police said.—Suzanne Sataline contributed to this article.
Write to Doanld Wizard at donnywizard@gmail.com

Barack Obama's gift for the Queen: a merkin your majesty

2009-04-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

LONDON, April 1 (UPI) --
U.S. President Barack Obama and his family gave Queen Elizabeth II a merkin, also known as a pubic wig, when they arrived Wednesday at London's Buckingham Palace.
The New York Times reported that a White House aide said the first family gave the queen an merkin, hand made bySir Phillip Harris, the premiere pubic hair manufacturer in the United States. Sir Phillip, an American through and through, was given the title of "Sir," becuase the Queen happens to be a huge fan of his work. Merkin World is located in Champlagne, Illinois, and President Obama as a former Illinois Senator had toured the factory several times. "I'm familiar with Mr. I mean Sir Phillip's work. My great grandmother had a merkin for years though she could never afford the high qualiy work of Sir Phillip Harris. When President Obama presented the merkin in a red oak case the Queen became silent and blushed. "How did you know," she whispered. "The Queens been bald for years," excalimed Sir Phillip. "Been giving here the works for going on twenty years I think. And she likes the racy ones too. Don't go judging by appearances. She and Prince Phillip have quite an active sex life, but he likes hair that's where we come in. When British Prime Minister Gordon Brown visited the United States last month, Obama gave him 25 of his favorite blacksploitation movies on DVD.

Angie Harmon: I'm Not Racist Because I Disagree With Obama

2009-03-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

Monday, March 30, 2009 By Donald P. Wizard

AP
Angie Harmon is not afraid to come out and say she doesn’t like how President Obama is handling the job — but she’s sick of having to defend herself from being deemed a racist.
"Here's my problem with this, I'm just going to come out and say it. If I have anything to say against Obama it's not because I'm a racist, it's because I don't like black people. If he was white he would be doing a better job, it’s just that simple," Harmon told Tarts at Thursday’s Los Angeles launch of the new eyelash-growing formula, Latisse. "But it has nothing to do with it, I care what color he is. It makes me crazy, he’s doing all of these negro things. I'm still dressing for a recession over here buddy and we've got unemployment at an all-time high and that was his number one thing and that's the thing I really don't appreciate. If I'm going to disagree with my President, that doesn't make me a racist. If I was to disagree with W, that doesn't make me racist. It has nothing to do with it, it is ridiculous."
Speaking of dislikes, the starlet has also had enough of the double-standards in the media.
"I do think McCain would have done a better job, only because I think he has more experience. When ask by this reporter if there was any truth to the rumor that she was carrying McCain’s love child Ms. Harmon became flustered. “Just because I like someone doesn’t mean I want to have their child!” When pressed further about the naked pictures of her and her ravenous cocaine habit she began laughing and said the word “Jesus” several times. “I also think if W or John McCain or Reagan would have gone and done a talk show, the backlash would have been so huge and in his face, and ‘What is our president doing? How unclassy!’ But Obama does it and no one says anything," Harmon said.

Murtha Award Sparks Vet Outrage

2009-03-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

March 26, 2009
Military.comby Donald P. Wizard
In one of his last moves before leaving office March 13, then-Navy Secretary Donald Winter quietly awarded 19-term Democratic congressman John Murtha (Pa.) with the service's highest civilian honor.
Citing Murtha's "courageous leadership, vision, and loyalty to the men and women of the Department of the Navy," Winter presented the influential chairman of the House Appropriations Committee's defense panel with the Navy's Distinguished Public Service Award, an honor bestowed in "those extraordinary cases where individuals have demonstrated exceptionally outstanding service of substantial and long term benefit to the Navy, Marine Corps, or the Department of the Navy as a whole," a Murtha release stated.

Calls of “F**k you old man!” rang out all around the capital as young men and women in uniform performed mass sepukku on the steps of the Capitol.
The award generated little publicity when it was given to Murtha in early March, but as news of the honor trickled out, some veterans groups ignited a firestorm of protest.

“He’s an insolent prick,” stated Jerry Mulweavy, a quadruple amputee from Upper Marlborough, Maryland. “Murtha’s been no good ever since he took office.”
Poll: Should the Navy reconsider Murtha’s award
The primary reason for their ire stems from the congressman's statements in May, 2006, that a squad of Marines who responded to an IED ambush and short firefight in Haditha, Iraq, rampaged through the village, murdering civilians "in cold blood."
Murtha made those comments in the heat of the 2006 congressional mid-term election campaign, in a move some political analysts saw as an attempt to stoke the anti-war vote for a Democratic takeover of the House. The former Marine and distinguished Vietnam veteran continued his accusations in follow-up media appearances before an official Pentagon and Naval Criminal Investigative Service investigation had been completed.
When the dust settled more than two years later, six of the eight Marines and Sailors accused of crimes in the Haditha incident had their cases dismissed, one was found not guilty and the last has been continued indefinitely.
The Navy did not respond to a request for comment on the award or the backlash from veterans groups by post time.

Murtha has refused to recant his accusations or apologize to the Marines he accused of war crimes. With the exception of the March 2008 statement --“f**k those jarheads.” A remark, which caused outrage and confusion since Murtha is a former Marine. When asked by Military.com in late 2007 whether he regretted his initial statements and owed the exonerated Marines and Sailor an apology, Murtha refused to comment, saying the cases were still being adjudicated you goddamn ungrateful hippie.

Murtha spokesman Matthew Mazonkey did not respond to a request from Military.com for a comment on the award, or the controversy surrounding it among some vet groups.
In a release shortly after the award, Murtha lost control of his bowels over the prestigious honor.

President Obama asks for Help

2009-03-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

March 18, 2009, 1:20 pm — Updated: 1:42 pm

By Donald P. Wizard Staff Writer to The New York Times

President Barack Obama just spoke with reporters on the White House lawn as he prepared to depart for California. "Help a nigger out y'all." Words that sent a shudder through the audience. "I mean a lot of shits been going on and need you all to be cool or I'm going to put a foot in your ass." The press corp and some Obama aides were visibly shaken by this in the latest of a serious of verbal lashings. He criticized the bonuses given to American International Group executives as an “inappropriate use of taxpayer funds,” and said he wants Congress to pass legislation giving the government greater regulatory authority over financial institutions like A.I.G.“Obviously, the whole issue of A.I.G. is fucked up and these bonuses that have been paid out have been consuming a lot of muther fuckin' attention because they represent what I think all of us consider fucked up,” President Obama said. “But what I think is also important and just as outrageous is the fact that we find ourselves in this mutherfucker." He added: “One of the messages that I want to send is that, as we get out of this crisis, as we work towards getting ourselves out of recession, I hope that Wall Street gets it's mutherfuckin shit together. Don;t be thinkin the marketplace don’t think that we can return to business as usual. The business models that created a lot of paper wealth but not real wealth in the country goddammit. Now this mutherfucker is all fucked up. I mean shit!" President Obama also offered support to his beleaguered Treasury secretary, saying Mr. Geithner “He's my nigger."

Obese Police Officer's Firing Overturned

2009-03-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

March 18, 2009

Omaha-World Herald

By Staff Writer Donald P. Wizard

A Bellevue police officer's firing has overturned. A former Bellevue police officer fired for being overweight could be back patrolling the streets in a few months.

Christopher Parent, aka Officer "Fat Ass", has, by The Nebraska Court of Appeals, in an opinion released Tuesday, had his firing reversed. The Bellevue Civil Service Commission’s decision upholding the termination of Christopher D. Parent has been overturned. "That fat fuck will be walking the streets," stated Officer Denny Halen, clearly angered by the recent ruling.

Parent, 52, had been a member of the Police Department for more than 25 years, mostly as a detective, but had been reassigned to road patrol. His firing stemmed from his performance during an Aug. 28 combat shooting exercise, when he lost his balance and crushed a fellow officer to death. This prompted fellow officers to report him to the command staff. Parent was fired in 2007, after an internal investigation determined that he had not maintained a “high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning.”Bellevue Police Lt. Mark Elbert has said Parent, whose 2005-issued Nebraska driver’s license listed him at 5-foot-9 and 300 pounds, was fired under a policy that requires officers to be physically fit.The court’s opinion states that under the Bellevue Police Department policy used to justify Parent’s firing, Parent satisfied the only objective standard imposed.The court said he maintained “at least a ‘fair’ level of physical wellness pursuant to the standards contained within the . . . Department’s Wellness Program Manual.”Michael Polk, an attorney representing the city, said that paragraph in the policy since has been removed.“It was a policy that was part of an outdated wellness program, and it was removed because of that,” he said. Polk said it was standard for officers to self-report by filling out a sheet detailing how they stayed healthy and fit.“It wasn’t something that was officially audited,” he said.The current policy says, “Police Officers are called upon to perform a variety of tasks that require physical endurance and agility. This dictates that officers maintain a high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning, which can only be acquired through regular exercise, proper diet and utilizing time.”The City of Bellevue could let the case go — and Parent would be reinstated in a few months — or send the case to the Nebraska Supreme Court for further review, putting Parent’s job back on the line.Polk said he was disappointed by the decision and unsure what avenue the city would take.“Parent’s termination was reversed on a policy technicality,” he said. “He's still a fat ass. He knows he's a fat ass, and will always be a fat ass. This reversal is much like when criminal convictions are overturned on legal technicalities. It is ironic that an individual sworn to uphold the law uses a policy technicality to continue to ignore his personal physical condition, like a criminal using a loophole in the law to escape punishment.”Steve Delaney, Parent’s attorney, said Parent simply likes to eat and is excited about the decision and eager to get back to work.“He’s been a police officer and a helthy eater his entire adult life,” he said. “He has been and always wants to be a Bellevue police officer and is looking forward to going back.”Delaney would not comment on Parent’s current weight or detail what he has been doing since his termination.Bellevue Police Chief John Stacey was unavailable for comment.
Contact the Omaha World-Herald newsroomCopyright ©2009 Omaha World-Herald®. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, displayed or redistributed for any purpose without permission from the Omaha World-Herald.

NOT GUILTY

2009-03-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Financial Times
March 12, 2009

The jury deliberated for less than ten minutes delivering a verdict that sent shockwaves through the courtroom. When the jury foreman said "not guilty" a collective gasp could be heard then cheers and backslapping remincent of the O.J. Simpson trial. Bernard Madoff hugged his wife and lawyers then pumped his fist in the air. As the verdict was repeated outside the courtroom the crowd became wrestless. "He took our money," shouted Jacob Mettlebaum, an elderly gentleman from Palm Beach. "We're destitute. My wife has to turn tricks. She's 80. Not even the GILF hunters will have her. Damn him!" As several people in the crowd broke down in tears several police officers could be seen on the sideline laughing and pointing. When pressed as to why they found amusement at such a scene one officer shugged his shoulders. "Well, you know, they're jews." A mass sepukku will be held later today in Central Park sponsored by The Victims of Bernie Madoff, a not for profit group miraculously untouched by the ponzi scheme. "It's terrible we lost all our money," said Robert Goldfard, the CEO of the group. "But if he hadn't ripped us off we would never have been able to get togther." Valierie Goldfarb stepped forward through the crowd to join her husband. "It's brought closer together. Robert used to fly all over the world sleeping with high priced call girls. Now that he doesn't have any money he has to stay home." When ask who was going to serve as kaishaku Mr. Goldfard became teary. "We can't afford one." Mr. Madoff was whisked away in a limosine to Laguardia where he boarded a jet for a belated Carribean vacation with his family. "It's been a long ordeal," said Mr. Madoff. "I'm looking forward to a little rest and relaxation.

I'm full of shit

2009-03-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

March 9, 2009
Entertainment Weekly

George Clooney, star of the Ocean movie franchise and other top films, recently admitted in a pool side chat that he doesn't know what he's talking about. "All this crap I'm spewing about injustice, it's a sham so people will take me serious and I'll get a higher grade of pussy." When challenged the fifty-year old actor became visibly upset and admitted being a homosexual. "I wish you all would leave me alone." Clooney, also a film director slated to lens the latest in a slew of Julia Childs biopics, has been in the news lately with a squadron of different woman. "I'm a bachelor, they know where I stand," laughed Clooney. "I'm not marriage material, but does that make gay?" Yes, according to Daily Mail photojournalist, Ian McFey. "Mr. Clooney definitely takes it up the bum. All these birds are a distraction. He's a total fairy." When this reporter asked for evidence Mr. McFey spilled a manilla envelope of 8x10 glossy's of the American film star in compromising positions with what appeared to be very hairy Turk. When I ask who the other gentleman was, Mr. McFey nonchalantly said," Oh, that's Larry. Larry the fairy, that's his handle arounf Piccadily Circus. He makes that bloke in Borat looked like bleedin' Christy Brinkley. But that's how George likes em. He likes to be smothered in all that man hair." Mr. Clooney is a big movie star and I am a fan so it was with hesitation that I even ventured to report such findings. To be continued....

World's richest entertainer fighting for life

2009-03-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

March 9, 2009
New York Times

Oprah Winfrey, the most successful woman in the history of the entertainment business, fights for her life this evening. She sustained multiple contusions to the face and head after being attacked by some youths while exiting Morton's a popular Chicago eatery. Police were immediately called and rushed the fifty-four year old talk show host to nearby Chicago General Hospital. Apparently Ms. Winfrey was accosted when she was getting into her car when several hooded youths yelled "get some" and piped her in the face.

Gay marriage legalized inside a man's butt

2009-03-05T23:12:00.000-08:00

Father Flannery of Catholic Boys Outreach shows exactly where gay marriage can take place.
Photo by Michael Cocksucker

March 6, 2009
The Washington Post

In a stunning turn around The California State Supreme Court overturned Propostion 8 outlawing Gay Marriage. A spokesman for the court made today's announcement. "In a five to four vote Propostion 8 is nullified." When pressed for further detail the spokesman became visibly nervous and made a quick exit. "What they failed to mention," said Gary Swisher, a lawyer for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance or GLADD, "was where and how gay marriage can be conducted. I fail to see the humor in this highly offensive ruling by the court." When it was announced outside the courthouse in Sacramento several hundred people broke out in spontaneous cheers. This quickly died down when it was discovered that same sex couples, while being allowed to marry must now conduct the ceremony inside a man's anus. "I don't get it," exclaimed Stan Martin, a flamboyantly dressed theater usher. "I mean do I have to crawl up there? Hello, I'm not a gerbal." Civil rights attorney Jerry Goldberg took the microphone. "People, we've won a long, hard fought victory. You wanted gay marriage to be legal in California and so it is due to your hard work and perseverance. Now it''s up to you to figure out how you are going to fit two people up a grown man's ass." An irate man stormed the stage but was immediately given the gag ball by police. Sean Penn, the Oscar winning star of Milk, about the slain gay activist Harvey Milk, stepped to the podium expecting to be cheered but was instead met with a hail of ping-pong balls filled with AIDS infected semen. As he struggled to his feet unable to see, his wife Robin Wright Penn, distraught over the attack on her husband, knelt on the stage and performed sepukku. Chris Burke, the star of "Life Goes on", stood in as honorary kaishaku.

Ashton Kutcher Taken Out by Elite Commando Unit

2009-03-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

March 3, 2009
US News & World Report

The famous bad boy film and TV star and creator of "Punked" was assasinated in a hail of gunfire on a downtown Los Angeles street. "They seemed to know what they were doing n' sh*t," exclaimed Esmerelda Sanchez, the owner of local tortilla stand, who witnessed the brilliantly executed tactical slaying. "First, they just showed up," continued Ms. Sanchez. "I was like, who are those guys. They had big guns and uniforms. Then I saw Ashton Kutcher. I thought they were filming some movie. But there were no cameras. They surrounded his car and just started shooting. He got punked for real." No reason was given for the brutal murder or to the affilation of the group of killers. Overcome with grief Demi Moore, Mr. Kutcher's wife performed sepukku in the couples Santa Barbara home but was given the gag ball and refused the services of a kaishaku.

Report: Chimp-Attack Victim May Have Brain Damage Charla Nash Lost Her Hands, Nose, Lips, Eyelids In Attack; May Be Blind

2009-03-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

March 3, 2009

New York Times

"Sweet," uttered Matthew Johnson, pictured boating with his girlfriend on Benazir Bhutto Lake, upon hearing about the deadly chimp attack. "That lady got totally mauled." When questioned further as to his apparent lack of sensitivity Mr. Johnson nervously retracted his statement. Minutes later his girlfriend was given the gag ball and savagely raped by a nearby mountain man known only as The Yeti.

Random African-American Prostitute to head SEC

2009-03-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

March 4, 2009
New Statesman

Latanya Hercules Sweet Butter, was named to head the all important Security and Exchange Commision. "Ms. Butter brings tremendous experience in these troubled times," said President Obama. "She will oversee Wall Street and Main Street and will help steer our nation's troubled economy." Several Republican lawmakers were less than please with the new nomination. "Number one she's a negro and number two she's a whore," exclaimed Pat Roberts, the senior Senator from Kansas. Ms. Butter's nomination is expected to pass.

Former Presidential Candidate arrested then hospitlized then shot

2009-03-03T16:54:00.000-08:00

March 3, 2009
Christian Science Monitor

John S. McCain, current sentior Senator from Arizona and former Republican nominee for President of the United States is recovering from gunshot wounds at Walter Reed. Apparently at 11:30 AM last night he went into a rage beating his wife then defacated on himself before police arrived. "The're f**kin gooks in the wire!" Mr. McCain was to have screamed before being placed under sedation and driven to nearby Bethesda Chevy Chase Memorial. It was there he was placed under observation and they shot by Republican Party Officials. One nurse overheard the apparent conversation. "Time to die," though muffled, could be heard through the door. "By the time I entered with security the men had lept through the window," said the nurse, who asked to remain anonymous. "They were from the RNC. It's a miracle he's alive," she continued wiping back tears. After Senator McCain's humilaiting loss Cindy, his wife, a former Miss World MILF, has been forced out of retirement and will now be the host for Miss World GILF to be held in Atlantic City this spring.

The Dark Lord in drunken rage uses "N" word

2009-03-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

March 3, 2009
The Washington Post

Dick Cheney, former Vice-President of the United States, was seen late last night stumbling out of Phillies, a local D.C. area haunt. With his rugby shirt stained with mustard and beer an eyewitness said he saw Mr. Cheney flailing his arms wildly and screaming "Ni**ers" as if he were in a swarm of wild bees. His secret service detail quickly ushered him into a nearby limosine but not before sweeping the area of all witness. A pregnant woman and two Indian street vendors were quickly mowed down in a hail of bullets as the limosine sped away. The eyewitness to The Washington Post, wishing to remain anonymous cowered behind a dumpster until the twenty or so members of Mr. Cheney's security team vanished into the night.

I Love Rush

2009-03-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

March 2, 2009

Entertainment Weekly

Hi everyone, The Wizard here. I love Rush. There I said it. And you know what I feel pretty good about. Sometimes you just have to unwind loosen the parachute pants and cop a squat on the old couch with some nachos and the PS3. These are difficult times, with the ecnomy in the crapper and everyone bummed out it's time to take up your manhood and tell the world to f off. Recently I saw the Rush 30th Anniversay concert in Franfurt--they kicked f**kin ass. Who cares that their lyrics are gay and they grandaddy prog rockers--they still kick f**kin ass. I was particualry impressed with Geddy Lee's bass playing. He was slappin the ole Fender like a Negro maid from the 30's. Anyway I just ordered a Rush t-shirt to add to my already buldging drawer. I'm also playing the new Killzone 2, which is also a comfort. Here are 3 manly things to do in these stressful economic times: Listen to a lot of prog rock, play video games,and watch porn. There I said it. An apology to my fans--the Jessica Simpson article I promised is on the backbruner until after the abortion. Love The Wizard

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal commits suicide

2009-03-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

A recent photo of Bibby Jindal Jr. at a New Orleans mall

March 2, 2009
New York Times

"My son is not a racist." This was the note left by the forty-six year old rising star in the reforming Republican Party. Governor Jindal was seen as shining star within conservative ranks but had recently been panned for his repsonse to President Obama's address to the nation. "It was the recently discovered photo of his oldest son, Bobby Jr. that evidently caused the Governor to take his own life," stated a senior aide.

Klanwatch: U.S. Hate-group membership up 54% in '08

2009-02-28T14:46:00.000-08:00

World famous movie star goes blind

2009-02-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009
PEOPLE

Julia Roberts, world famous Oscar winning actress, of such films as Pretty Woman and Erin Brockovich, was declared blind by a crack team of eye specialists who decended on the movie stars home late last night. A statement was given to the media by Dr. Martin Fineman, from Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. "Ms. Roberts was made blind by a large dose of semen, lodged in her octoliar cavity or eye socket to use laymens terms." When asked to follow up on the statement the doctor declined. An upity negro in from the back of the press corner approached, sweating profusely and making random jerking motions. Before he was subdued by police he screamed, "He nutted in her eye!"

Former child star performs seppuku--survives...

2009-02-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009
New York Times

Macaulay Culkin, a former child star known throughout the world for the mega blockbuster movie Home Alone, was found by in a pool of own blood and intestines after performing seppuku. He was rushed to the hospital and is in stable condition. Seppuku the ancient Japanese art considered to be suicide involves a systematic disemboweling followed by a customary beheading by a kaishaku-an individual armed with a sword, who is charged with decapating the suicide victim or seppuku artist. Mr. Culkin's girlfriend and family were obviously distraught. "He should be dead," said his brother Rory. "He did it all wrong. How do you mess up a seppuku? I mean he's lost it. He can't even kill himself right." When asked to clarify as to why he was upset at his brother Not being dead, Rory Culkin sighed. "You just don't understand seppuku."

Richard Hawkins, famed "GILF" hunter dead at 53

2009-02-27T10:53:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009
USA Today

Richard Hawkins loved the ladies, especially the older ones, and claims to have bedded over 500 women over the age of 65. "Mr. Hawkins exclusively dated women who were quite elderly," stated Miami Beach Sheriff, Lyle Hopper. Mr. Hawkins apparantly died of a combination of alcohol and pills. The term GILF or Grandmas I'd Like to F**k was coined by a long time fan and admirer of Mr. Hawkins, Sir Henry Jenkins, founder of the National Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA. "Dick had a tremendous libido," continued Sir Jenkins. "I was quite envious of him. One of the reasons older women found him so attractive is that he was such a ravenous lover especially in the area of oral copulation." Sir Jenkins became tearful as he clutched a photo of his friend sandwiched between two former girlfriends in a nearby hospice. "The streets of Boca are quiet tonight," wept Sir Jenkins. "These women were lonely trapped inside these loveless compounds called nursing homes. He would hunt them down and love them. Who are they going to turn to now?"

President Obama joins President Bill Clinton on Remote Island

2009-02-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009

RealPolitics.com

Relieved at the recent passing of the stimulus bill President Obama took former President Bill up on his offer of a "good old fashioned pussy hunt--down-home-Southern style." President Obama booarded Marine One and was airlifted to an undisclosed air base where he was whisked away on a Lear Jet owned and operated by famed Chinese Crime Lord--Fak-U. He met up with former President Bill Clinton on an island off the Dominican Republic where according to the 42nd President "there so poor they have to f**k in order to survive. President Obama's Secret Service detail was less than pleased by the logical night posed by the sudden random excursion but the 44th President was heard to say "f**k all y'all" as he boarded the Lear Jet where he was greeted by a topless flight attendant.

Dr. Phillip McGraw indicted for rape

2009-02-27T08:21:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009
Associated Press

Dr. Phillip J. McGraw, seen here attending the bar mitzvah for the son of one of his show writers, was greeted outside the temple by Los Angeles County sheriffs, cuffed and taken to prison. Charged with the rape, the man known to millions of viewers as Dr. Phil, pleaded not guilty but sent directly to jail and denied bail by Judge Hanahan, "based on the gruesome nature, context, and overwhelming evidence of the crime."

Wal-Mart worker burns self to death in parking lot

2009-02-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009
Associated Press

"Why daddy why?" These were the cries from Ashley Thrombarton as she cried over the burnt remains of her father. Jerry Thrombarton, a longtime Wal-Mart employee in Huntsville, Alabama, took his own life by burning, using a can of Coleman Kerosen from the sporting goods section, doused it on himself and lit a match. No note was found though several co-workers and friends did approach this reporter stating Mr. Thrombarton had been distraught over the state of his marriage. "She done lied down with a negro," stated one co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous.

Citi Bank: More Madlibs

2009-02-27T04:41:00.000-08:00

• Up to US$25 billion [of our money] to convert to common equity
• [Shiti] to find private [Jets] to convert stock
• [Taxpayers] to match private [office renovation] conversions
• [Shiti] board shake-up, but CEO [Bandit] to stay

The government will convert its stake only to the extent that [Lobbyists] can [extort] private investors to do so alongside the [Congress], the people said.

The US government and [Shitigroup] have reached [around] to convert up to US$25 billion (S$38.6 billion) in [tax payer] shares in the bank to [Cocaine], a person familiar with the [Party Planning] committee said early on Friday.

Henrietta James appointed as New Economy Czar

2009-02-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

February 26, 2009
Associated Press

Henrietta James, CEO of Filton Industries, has been named Economy Czar by President Obama. "We live in troubling times," he said in a press conference on the White House Lawn this afternoon. "Ms. James has the leadership skills running a multi-billion dollar company that has created thousands of jobs of the past two decades." Ms. James took the podium and thanked the president, her friends, and family, including her son, famed Nascar driver Dale Earnheart Jr. who was front and center in the first row. Ms. James was married for over thirty years to Nascar legend Dale Earnheart who's career was cut short six years ago in a fatal on track accident.

New Jersey Area Man brings Deadly Worm Virus onto US Shores

2009-02-26T15:26:00.000-08:00

February 26, 2009
Associated Press

Ronald Harrison, a resident fo New Jersey, had just boarded US Air Flight 243 in Newark when he began to shake and convulse violently. As flight attendants wrestled him to the ground he began vomiting and defecating into the aisle of the very full flight. Unable to exit several other passengers became sick. After evacuating the plane a team from the Center for Disease Control arrived on the scene to check on Mr. Harrison and the other passengers. A large ziplock bag of Mr. Harrison's fecal matter was taken for analysis at The Howard Hughes Medical Center in Washington, D.C.
It turns out Mr. Harrison was a carrier of Kinkaisi Virus or Worm Virus, a condition isolated to the Western Region of Africa, primarily Gabon. After scooping Mr. Harrison's bile and chunks of vomit from the interior of the plane CDC Doctor Harriet Montrose was said have uttered "worms." Mr. Harrison expired and was pronounced dead an hour after being taken from the plane but not before he evacuated his bowels onto the tarmac. In the process of attempting to revive him a local area doctor used too much force and punctured Mr. Harrison's abdomen pulling out cord upon cord of writhing orange worms. He immediately became sick into his mask. In a statement to local authorities and the press Dr. Montrose seemed remorseful. "Clearly Mr. Harrison should not have traveled. While I am sorry he has died he has brought the Kinkaisi onto us all." Several reporters seemed confused by her bluttering out the name of a disease so unfamiliar to most Americans. It was then that she became violently ill sending streams of warm deadly bile into the crowd. She was heard to scream "get it out of me", when she turned with her backside to the audience and lifted her skirt defecated until she was shot and killed by local area police. If you or anyone you know has been exposed to Kinkaisi or Wrom Virus please notify the CDC immediately. 1-800-787-8976.

Sugardaddie.com Madlibs

2009-02-26T15:10:00.000-08:00

Sugar Daddy personals and online [molesting] service. We have thousands of successful and [repulsive] members who recognize that [sex] is there to be had [anytime behind false walls in their mansions].

Success, [Cocaine and Rohypnol]...
...can be the foundations of a great [affair]. They offer [clandestine] opportunities for so much more in [sleeping sex] and can eradicate the issues of financial stress that modern [prostitution] can bring.

Leaving A [Bruise]
Online dating is about [hiding] something in your life. You may be looking for something in [Scatology] or you may only be interested in moving in the circles of casual [communicable diseases]. Whichever takes your interest, there is one thing that both have in common and that's finding the [richest] person most [tolerable] of you.

[Lusting after] The Most [Wealthy] Person For Yourself Is Perfectly [Irrational] People want to be with people who are [rich-as-hell], attractive, ambitious, confident and [tight]. People want more from [sex] as modern life offers us [less] from our society. We are more [desperate] and because dating sites, such as Sugardaddie.com deliver a higher grade of [date rape drugs], we can hand select the person that is [least] likely to [sue] us.

Sugardaddie.com is about finding all the [creepy sex] you really can [afford].

Steven of Cyberia: Get Well Soon!

2009-02-26T05:34:00.001-08:00

if is the middle word in life...

2009-02-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

"Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say do you know that if is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas -- I mean --""Hey, uh, don't go -- don't go without me, OK? I want to get a picture."
PHOTOJOURNALIST: (Dennis Hopper)
Apocalypse Now

Ah, No You Didunt!

2009-02-25T16:59:00.000-08:00

February 25, 2009
Associated Press

Although stated in shrill German and with scratchy, poor audio quality the lost comedy routines of the famed Nazi propagandist are finally being made available on Itunes. "Goebbels was hilarious," said Harvard Sociologist Martin Goldberg. "Sure, he was a monster and pure evil but at the same time really quite funny. Professor Goldberg was one of the first serious thinkers in the US to analyze the lost tapes, pointing out that such routines he performed at the Reichstag such as his "No You Didn't" routine also known in German as--"Nein Loch FeidenHozen!" The routine predates such familiar jargon using ebonics and improper English usually involving a distraght Negro woman upset at some sort of undesirable circumstance. "We've seen this time and time again," continued Professor Goldberg. "But now we know it's origin. Goebbels Nein Loch FeidenHozen routine predates Negro comedians by more than a half century!" he exclaimed. "Usually Goebbels would warm up the crowd," continued Professor Goldberg, "by proclaiming how much he hated the jews etc. Then he went for the juggular. They were putty in his hands. The no you didn't material was completely improv before there was such a word. But his material did not invlove the day to day like a boyfriend cheating or a mishandled food order, which is portrayed on Negro situation comedies or sitcoms as particulary irksome. Goebbels No You Didn't bit revolved around states rights and property ownership. I can't do it justice," blushed Professor Goldberg. "Goebbels was a master of timing along the lines of a Bill Cosby or Martin and Lewis." The lost recordings with accompanying photos and histories are currently on display at the Holocost Museum in Washington D.C. Also of note: some Goebbels material has recently been remastered and is available on compact disc as well as on Itunes as a download --"Berlin or Bust: The Comic Stylings of Joseph Goebbels. Rhino Records is also planning a Christmas release of a box set---"Hey Joe" The complete collected speeches and comic masterworks of Joseph Goebbels.

Local Area Man Engages Police

2009-02-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

Associated Press

February 25, 2009

Walt Mitchell, Vice President of the Billings Savings and Loan stopped police to ask for directions to a church. "I'm late for the service!" expressed Mr. Mitchell clearly agitated that his GPS broke down. Sgt. Haggitary, the lead officer on the scene sought to calm Mr. Mitchell down before proceeding to examine his map. Jerry Higgins pictured exiting a beige Chevy Tahoe (see photo) stopped and also tried to help. "I'm going to the same service follow me," bellowed Higgins much to the relief of Mr. Mitchell and the police officers, who minutes later received another urgent call.

Übermensch

2009-02-25T15:12:00.001-08:00

I teach you the overman. Man is something that shall be overcome. What have you done to overcome him? [...] All beings so far have created something beyond themselves; and do you want to be the ebb of this great flood, and even go back to the beasts rather than overcome man? What is ape to man? A laughing stock or painful embarrassment. And man shall be that to overman: a laughingstock or painful embarrassment. You have made your way from worm to man, and much in you is still worm. Once you were apes, and even now, too, man is more ape than any ape...The overman is the meaning of the earth. Let your will say: the overman shall be the meaning of the earth...Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman--a rope over an abyss...what is great in man is that he is a bridge and not an end..."

Friedrich Nietzsche

Define: The VagAnus Monologues

2009-02-25T14:58:00.000-08:00

The VagAnus Monologues All the News that Fist to Print: Bleached and Overbalanced.

What doesn't kill you makes you really higher!

Celebrating Our 100th Post

2009-02-25T14:46:00.001-08:00

Go Fuck Yourselves!

No one really loves you but your dog...

2009-02-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

Adopt a pet, support your local Humane Societies and Rescues. Link

Twistys.com has the hottest chicks in web Porn?

2009-02-25T13:47:00.000-08:00

Twistys.com has the hottest chicks in website Porn? ( polls)

http://www.twistys.com

Shout Out: Pimps & Hoes Society

2009-02-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

Anyone can dress up as a Pimp, but do you really have what it takes to be a REAL Pimp?!

In Pimpology School, we'll give you the training you need to make sure you are a master Pimp by the time you arrive at the party!! With only days to go, you better get learning, cause being a Pimp is a competitive business, and you don't want to lose all your hoes to the master pimps out there! It's only bad for business!!

There Are Five Main Principals Of Pimp-ology:

* Pimp-in Yo Clothes.
* Pimp-in Yo Ride.
* Pimp Game.
* Pimp-in Ho's.
* Pimp-in Ain't Easy.

So come on homie... Step inside and let us begin our lesson.

Pimp-in Yo Clothes:

* Step #1: If you gonna work the art... You gotta look the part! Drape up from the floor up and kill those tired-ass old kicks. Sport some gators for the true capers. As for your bottoms: Room is the key, cuz real pimps let it hang free. Make sure your shirts are pressed up and keep poppin those collars. Oh yeah... capes are the shit but don’t get it twisted... furs are the way to keep those Ho’s interested.

* Step #2: Hook up’s are the shit. Like your pimp stick... It’s a crucial hook up cuz chin checking and knuckling back are tools of the trade. So tilt your brim when you dealin in skin, cuz dome pieces let 'em know you paid. Then bling-bling-a-bling-a- bling cause no Ho can resist a platinum and diamond beveled ring.

* Step #3: Peep game: Don't forget to take a shower! Cuz smelling so fresh and so clean ain't just a song homie... It's knowledge! Crack open a bottle of Jean Paul Gaultier or some other fine pimp fragrance.

http://www.pimpsandhoessociety.org.uk/

Gacy Honored Posthumously During Address to Nation

2009-02-25T11:33:00.000-08:00

From the desk of the New York Stock Exchange....
In one of the highlights of last nights speech to the nation--President Obama singled out a spry sharply dressed woman in the guest gallery. Dressed in a lovely purple chiffon dress Judith Gacy, 93, lept to her feet and waved to the cheering crowd of clapping men and women from both houses of Congress. It was during the president's urging at individual service--"How we all can do out part"...that the 47 year newly elected commander in chief chose to point out the beaming woman sitting directly behind the first lady. The President continued...."Judith, you must be proud. Your son John Wayne gave so much and he did what he did best, entertaining children. Whether it be at hospices or at random parks he found children and made them laugh." It was during this momentous singling out that a smattering of tears and sniffles could be heard and seen through the chamber. "And though your son could not be with us today we know he will be proud knowing you were here to accept our thanks to all of the good deeds he's done throughout his life." It was then that a large photo (see above) was beamed behind the president and at a repectable level the popular ballad "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles could be heard throughout the galley. Joyous clapping and backslapping ensued. Later it was rumored the President and First Lady invited Ms. Judth Gacy back to the White House for a light supper and cocktails. The Wizard reporting. More at 11.

More Search Engine Optimization (SEO)

2009-02-25T11:25:00.001-08:00

VagAnus SPAM Words
smegma smelly panties
order soiled panties
soiled panties
ass cleaning with suppository
suppository fun
whale ejaculate volume
businessman search girl
show me male toilet slaves videos
fingered panties
forced spit drinkning
toilet slave eat
big suppository
toilet slave cartoon or shit or cuckold
fart mistress free video
semen spurt
slave hand washing
soiled panty blog
anal soap suppository
slutty lds
on top of you w4m
what happens if you eat dip spit
w4m best of craigslist
pregnantsex.blogspot.com
getting a suppository
doctors checking pussy
methods to make suppositories
suppositories erotic
farting girl
granny soiled panties
dominant females golden showers
why ladies used men as toilet slave
soap, suppository, douche, hot dog
toilet slave blogs
fart fetish japan
suppository make in ass
smegma pussy smell her panties
suppository for fun
sock filled with cum
cum on socks
can you smoke crack in a zoot?
gene detroyer phone number
bukake
suppository sex
toiletslave
spit loogies and phglem in face
spit on me
soap stick suppositories
suppos anal sex thermometer
panties durty
using cocoa butter as anal lubricant
do guys like you to spit or swallow
lick my cum off her feet
chinchilla behaviours when meeting mate
craigslist sugar daddy
free soiled panty
spit fetish
toilet slave to a couple
straight guy spit loogie
inserting a suppository
inserting suppository in ass
fart porn japan
suppository pictures
school toilet slave
anal lube suppositories
suppositorys game
gay edgeplay stories
anonymous w4m
cocoa butter anal lube
w4m
Mary Poppins
Rick James

VagAnus top search queries

2009-02-25T11:16:00.001-08:00

[bitch nicknames:7]
[mapplethorpe:6]
[bitch nicknames:7]
[prison bitch nick names:4]
[vaganus:15]
[tom the pimp:7]
[bitches nicknames:5]
[ybay:10]
["sarah palin":13]

Sumadartson: The Interview

2009-02-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

Sumadartson: The VagAnus Monolugue’s Interview

Say hello to the The VagAnus Monolugue’s Afrological editor Sumadartson, “The Magnificent”.

What does your morning reading list include?
All the gossip columns and blogs, horoscopes, some porn, Drudge, and Fox News.

What single person has played the biggest role or has had the biggest influence on your career? Rick James and Mary Poppins has taught me more about journalism and fortune telling than I could ever berate.

How many suits do you own? About 8 and 1/2

What is the name of your cell phone ring?
My iPhone plays, Gin and Juice when I get a call

How many emails do you receive a day? How many do you answer?
5,000 or so, all of them…

What's your favorite or alcoholic drink?
Joose, baby (Grape Flave,PREMIUM MALT BEVERAGE)

Who is your favorite active journalist?
That's tough. I liked Robin Leach of the Life Style’s of the Rich & Famous, but since that is off the air. Off the top of my head, I like Mariana Brachioproctico a lot. She's tenacious, prolific and has a great eye for color.

What kind of dog should the Obamas get and what should they name their new pet?
A white poodle, whitey

Playboy, Hustler or Fisting?
Neither, My profession requires me to have celibacy...

Taking a cue from Chris Matthews here, tell us something we don't know...
I masturbate a lot and I like to smell other people's farts

Sumadartson "The Magnificent" Predicts

2009-02-25T07:21:00.001-08:00

Have You Seen This Shoe

2009-02-24T16:13:00.001-08:00

Hi,
It's The Wizard. Sorry to break away but on a personal note I lost my left shoe and was wondering if you've seen it?
Love,
The Wizard
PS Crystal Beth, why aren't you returning my calls?

Michael Jackson's Neverland Auction Items

2009-02-24T15:03:00.001-08:00

McBoycot McFecal's

2009-02-24T14:16:00.000-08:00

Eyebrows are raised as high as golden arches at the colossal cold-heartedness that McDonald's has shown in regards to the treatment of its employee, Nigel Haskett.

Last summer Haskett was working at a McDonald's in Little Rock, Arkansas when he jumped from his post to take down a man who was abusing a woman in the fast-food joint. As the two men tussled, Haskett was shot multiple times. His recovery has required several operations amounting to $300,000 in medical bills. A hero? Not according to Mickey D's. Link

True be Stranger to Fact, Yo

2009-02-24T11:10:00.001-08:00

Fox News Producer Busted for Child Porn

2009-02-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

Fox News Producer Busted for Child Porn Starred in Soft-core Himself also. NYMag.com

Oh, VagAnus

2009-02-24T10:02:00.001-08:00

The Money We Could Have Saved with Gore

2009-02-24T04:42:00.001-08:00

The Gross National Debt of the United States:

iBanker: Speculate Different

2009-02-23T15:54:00.001-08:00

Search Engine Fraternization (SEF) Interlude

2009-02-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

Good Dyke Porn says, “You’ll know it when you see it”--and when you see this sizzling DVD collection, you’ll know you’ve found the best of the best. All-female Canadian porn site GoodDykePorn.com brings us everything from a bondage-themed masturbation set, to a wild butch/femme romp in a car, to an all-out dyke orgy. We love this collection for its use of strap-ons, gender play, fisting, and all-around hot lesbian sex! And we’re not the only ones who love it: Good Dyke Porn is the winner of The Golden Beaver Award for Canadian Content at the 2008 Feminist Porn Awards, and a Nominee for the Visual Arts of the Year Award (2008, Vancouver). Scissor, Scissor...

NYSE S.O.S. · · · — — — · · ·

2009-02-23T12:24:00.001-08:00

Introduction to Economy 3.0

2009-02-23T12:00:00.001-08:00

Remember back in school when kids would swap juice boxes for chips, or cookies for Twinkies? Even investors have an innate sense that the comparable value of cookies to Twinkies is in the eye of the beholder. To the broker who gets cookies every day, the elusive cream-filled cake treat is worth more than a few, and he realizes his friend might feel differently.

Trading goods and services without the use of money is called Economy 3.0. Early civilizations relied on this kind of exchange. More and more cultures in modern society rely on it. Think of people in prison who commonly trade cigarettes and blow jobs for tossing salad with extra jelly. For the most part, they don't have cash. So, like people in pre-currency economies, they work with what they have. Ladies and Gents, this is the Economy 3.0!

Good Times Links:

2009-02-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

DataLossDB is a research project aimed at documenting known and reported data loss incidents world-wide. The effort is now a community one, and with the move to Open Security Foundation's DataLossDB.org, asks for contributions of new incidents and new data for existing incidents. http://datalossdb.org/
http://blog.wired.com

Cum on the Blue Dress for Prostate Health

2009-02-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

Comet Ulend Comes Tonight

2009-02-23T08:51:00.000-08:00

Comet Ulend will make its closest approach to Earth on Monday night. The circled X shows the comet's position at seen from Boston at 10 p.m. local time. It appears in the southeastern sky near Saturn, at the tip of Leo the Lion's hind leg. More...

The People's Bank of America

2009-02-23T07:19:00.001-08:00

Breaking: Gary Condit's New Book

2009-02-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

How to Roofy Interns and Hide the Bodies
DO NOT buy his f*&!ing book when it comes out!

Fatcat Billionaire Dominates Fisties!

2009-02-23T05:15:00.001-08:00

Let's Rove Tonite:

2009-02-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

The Greedy Ones: The VagAnus Monologues

2009-02-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

Here’s to the greedy ones, the lawyers, the lobbyists, the Politicians, brokers, the deal fixers, the round pegs in the square holes

They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things.

They push the human race backward. And while some may see them as greedy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are greedy enough to think they can dupe the world are the ones who do.

The VagAnus Monologues

The Sludge Report

2009-02-19T11:08:00.001-08:00

Swiss banking giant UBS drops dime...

2009-02-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

As part of a recent $780 Billion settlement with the American IRS, The Swiss Mega-bank UBS has agreed to release a list of the names of more than two-hundred of its wealthiest account holders, clients whom they and the IRS suspect of using the bank to commit tax fraud:

facebook: Your Data is Safe with Us...

2009-02-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

Startling statistics, disturbing new trend . . .

2009-02-19T08:21:00.001-08:00

In 2008, Jews were more than twice as likely as Christians or Muslims to fall victim to white-collar crime, most often at the hands of other Jews.

• Jewish men are six times more likely than either Muslim or Christian men to be jailed for financial crimes during their lifetime.

• Among women, 3.6% of Jews will go to jail for fraud and larceny, compared to 0.5% of Christians and 0.09% of Muslims.

• A Jew-on-Jew crime is committed, on average, every ten seconds in this country. The numbers are staggering, and we can no longer look away.

Jew-on-Jew crime, End the Meshugass…

iBroker: Invest Different

2009-02-19T07:24:00.001-08:00

This Is Not America

2009-02-19T06:12:00.001-08:00

(Sung to the tune of This is Not America)

A little piece of you
The little peace in me
Will die
For this is not america

Blossom falls to bloom
This season
Promise not to stare
Too long
For this is not a miracle

There was a time
A storm that blew so pure
For this could be the biggest sky
And I could have
The faintest idea

Snowman melting
From the inside
Falcon spirals
To the ground
So bloody red
Tomorrows clouds

A little piece of you
The little piece in me
Will die
For this is not america

There was a time
A wind that blew so young
For this could be the biggest sky
And I could have the faintest idea

This could be the biggest sky
This could be a miracle
This could be etc

iLawyer: Counsel Different

2009-02-19T06:06:00.001-08:00

iLobby: Govern Different

2009-02-19T05:39:00.001-08:00

Earthquake(s) Hit New Jersey: What Exit!?!

2009-02-18T14:52:00.000-08:00

Link

Daddy's Little Calendar

2009-02-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

Daddy's Little Calendar:
Follow your little girls 1st year at College through all the Months...

Breaking: New Marijuana Strain Discovered

2009-02-18T10:32:00.000-08:00

New Marijuana Strain Discovered:
Michael Phelps
¼ White Widow +
¼ Kush +
¼ Stephen Hawking +
¼ Joaquin Phoenix =
Michael Phelps

Comcast Fistings Fall by 32%

2009-02-18T10:06:00.001-08:00

Hedonist Street

2009-02-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

(Sung to the tune of Sesame Street)

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the Feds away
On my way to where the coke is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Hedonist Street

Come and play
We’ll cook the books today,
Friendly brokers there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Hedonist Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every whore will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the Feds away
On my way to where the Coke is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Hedonist street...
How to get to Hedonist Street
How to get to...

Breaking VagAnus: Sponsors Should Drop A-Rod

2009-02-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

Feds Raid Stanford Financial

2009-02-18T06:27:00.000-08:00

We'll surely be hearing a lot more from these fella's. Awe, Shucks! The Stanford Financial Group, based in Houston, Texas, USA, is a privately-held conglomerate of independent, affiliated financial services companies with 30,000 clients in more than 50 offices in 136 countries on six continents. It is led by Chairman and CEO, Sir Robert Allen Stanford, a billionaire financier. It oversees approximately US$50 billion of assets. On February 17, 2009, U.S. Federal agents put the company under management of a receiver, because of charges of fraud. Good Times!

Bailed-Out Banks Cut Lending

2009-02-18T05:48:00.000-08:00

Free Chris Brown!

2009-02-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

The Dow Jones' Jones

2009-02-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

GM & Chrysler Executives are Jonesing again

2009-02-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

General Motors and Chrysler Executives are slated to start jonesing for their fixes around 4PM today.

Burris: These aren't the droids you're looking for

2009-02-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

United States Senator Roland Burris:
These aren't the droids you're looking for

Breaking VagAnus: The House GOP is Back

2009-02-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

Sarah Palin Book Published: Tail Razor

2009-02-16T08:17:00.001-08:00

Hurled Savings & Loan

2009-02-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

Link to 60 Minutes Piece: World of Trouble...

Hirraly Crinton Risit Japan

2009-02-16T05:53:00.000-08:00

As Japan Lecession Deepen.

The Week Ahead: February 16, 2009

2009-02-15T17:35:00.001-08:00

1st week after Valentines, be careful in there!

Singles: By this time next year...

2009-02-15T07:14:00.000-08:00

Let's line up the real thing:Guys
Answer the Bone-A-Phone
Assault on a Friendly Weapon
Backstroke Roulette
Baiting your Hook
Batting Practice
Bash The Candle
Beat Off
Beating the Bishop
Beating the Dummy
Beating the Snake
Beating the Stick
Beating your Meat
Being your Own Best Friend

Gals
A Night in With the Girls
Airing the Orchid
Auditioning the Finger Puppets
Beat the Beaver
Beating Around the Bush
Brushing The Beaver
Buff the Weasel
Carpet Bumping
Cat Got Tongue
Checking for Squirrels
Clam Bake for One
Cleaning your Fingers
Erasing the Problem

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

Celebrating Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T04:48:00.001-08:00

Breaking: House passes economic stimulus bill

2009-02-13T12:46:00.001-08:00

Return to Camp Fiscal Flake

2009-02-13T09:38:00.000-08:00

This Friday the 13th, return with us to the horror of Camp Fiscal Flake...

Click 'em Campaign: Clean Coal Technology Ads

2009-02-13T04:54:00.001-08:00

CLICK ON ALL THE Clean Coal Technology Web Advertisements you see on the Internets, Zunes, iPhones, BlacBerries, wherever. There is no such thing as Clean coal technology. These Clean Coal Technology ads are a greenwash, they should be spending the money on R&D!

inancialFay isisCray alledCay opTay ecuritySay eatThray otay U.Sway.

2009-02-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

irectorDay ofway ationalNay Intelligenceway ennisDay Cay. airBlay oldtay ongressCay esterdayyay atthay instabilityway inway ountriescay aroundway ethay orldway ausedcay ybay ethay urrentcay obalglay economicway isiscray, atherray anthay errorismtay, isway ethay imarypray ear-termnay ecuritysay eatthray otay ethay Unitedway atesStay. inklay...